All the Ways Oprah Empowers Women

1. She calls every woman every day and shouts "You go, girl!" loudly into the phone.

2. She cleverly titles her magazine after the female sex-enslavement, sadomasochistic novel: "The Story of O", a subtle but empowering reminder for women everywhere that they are nothing unless they are constantly available orally, vaginally and anally to their male masters and his friends.

3. Her constant struggles with her weight show that she's just like you, you fat pig.

4. She is impossibly rich; empowering women everywhere to think: "Wow! If I were Oprah, I'd be impossibly rich too!"

5. Reminds women that she holds the key to what constitutes good literature. Please consult the Oprahcle before reading your next book.

6. When she loses fifteen pounds; she sells one million more copies of her latest, ghost-written diet book. Just like you do.

7. She also sells one million more copies of her latest diet book when she tearfully confesses to gaining that weight back and then some. That means, she is giving you a reasonable goal to strive for; empowering you to sell that many copies of your latest diet book even as you prove the diet doesn't work!

8. Stands before all and allows her radiance to blanket the masses in a healing aura. Avert your eyes for full effect.

9. Sells you her plan for precisely how to think independently.

10. Empowers women to stand behind her advice; so they can remove themselves from the shadow of men.

11. Has purchased the copyright on the word "empowerment" and can assign any level of it she wants.

12. Humbly limits herself to only one picture on the cover of each issue of her magazine.

13. Makes it clear that the true female purpose in life is to hug celebrities.