August 14, 2007

Extremely Perplexing Questions to Which I Have No Answers and about Which You Will Simply Have to Continue to Perplex

Contrary to this list, these questions still have me pondering.

Perhaps you have some help that you can offer.

Please submit your answers to any of these questions in the comments section.

1. If a hen and a half in a nest and a half can lay an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long will it take that same hen to construct a half-sized replica of the Taj Mahal using only found objects, a drafting table and a rudimentary understanding of structural engineering principles? Also, how long does it take to barbecue this half a hen I found in the chicken coop next to a stack of blueprints?

2. Why isn't the sky not hardly sometimes ever not blue very often ever any more these or other days?

3. If a passenger train leaves Dayton, Ohio traveling east at 50 miles per hour and a second passenger train leaves Trenton, New Jersey traveling west at 75 miles per hour, approximately how many words will the National Transportation Safety Board's report have to be to explain the depth of the stupidity behind the decision to set two trains on a course that will obviously end in a monstrous collision and the deaths of 189 people?

4. Janet has 8 apples. Tommy has 5 apples. Tommy's daddy is sleeping with Janet's mommy. How many more apples than Tommy does Janet have?

5. A man is digging a hole. Each day he digs twice as deep as he did the day before, but each night, because of wind, rain and collapsing walls in the hole, exactly half of the hole fills up with dirt again. How are the forces of nature that precise day after day? That's kind of creepy, isn't it? Also, after how many days will the man just give up and call in a contractor?

6. A plane bound from Tulsa to Calgary attempts to make an emergency landing on the American side of the border. In the ensuing crash, all die, but most of the plane and the dead end up on the Canadian side of the border. There are no witnesses and no accurate way of determining on which side of the border each of the passengers and crew died. Why is this clearly Canada's fault, and should we seek revenge immediately, or wait a week and then begin bombing?

7. To what extent is the capital of Iowa?

8. A farmer needs to build a perimeter fence for his chickens to keep out attacking dogs and foxes; he determines, through focus groups, that each chicken needs at least 20 square feet of space. His population of chickens vacillates from 90 to 120 throughout any given year, what is the minimum number of board feet he must use to build an 8 foot high fence out of 6 inch wide planks spaced 2-inches apart to give the chickens at least 20 square feet of space each? (Hint: One of the chickens is building a half-sized replica of the Taj Mahal.)


Anonymous said...

1. cheese
2. -42
3. a subtle shade of purple
4. 3
5. Karl Rove
6. loquaciously
7. axe-wielding clown
8. the dinosaurs

Brendon Etter said...

Well, I'm hard-pressed as to how best to put this to you, Elizabeth, but your answers are uniformed, uninspired, understupid, underhanded and underwear.

F minus.

Except for #7. #7 is dead on. And I do mean DEAD on.