August 12, 2007

The Following Have Conclusively Been Linked to Cancer in Most Humans

Cancer, that fucking bastard, will kill most people and lawns.

Fortunately for our lawns, industrial-strength herbicides prevent cancer from taking most, but humans still haven't found out how much of those same herbicides to ingest or apply topically to ward off malignancy.

Lacking a cure, we must exercise proactive vigilance.

On that note, the following factors have been linked to cancer in most people. Do whatever necessary to avoid or eliminate them in your life and the lives of those closest to you.

1. Birth.

2. Cancer Lite: Fermented with the finest Bavarian hops and carcinogens. Only 80 calories.

3. Being near someone who has cancer.

4. Thinking about cancer without subsequently whistling nonchalantly.

5. Honeydew Melonoma: It's a ripe tumor with a rind.

6. Xraycising.

7. Water and most air.

8. Laughing at cancer: Cancer hates that; it will get even. Just you wait.

9. Life: Conclusive proof that pro-lifers are pro-cancer.

10. Cute widdle puppy-wuppies.

11. Eating: Caveat on this one - it only applies to eating food.

12. Toothpaste and dentists.

13. Not dying from any other cause.

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