I Think My Silverware Is Preparing to Stage a Violent Coup

It just seems like something weird is happening with my silverware.

I don't have any solid evidence. Nothing with which I could confront them anyway. While I am their lord and master, and exert dictatorial authority over all utensils, I don't like to be seen as capricious and cruel.

I'm unlikely to persecute any particular utensil on suspicion alone. I'm not the Stalin of Eating Implements, nor do I wish to be perceived as such.

Nonetheless, something's going on. I can feel it. Trouble's brewing.

I base my concern on the following points:


1. Whenever I open the silverware drawer, I hear a subtle, but unmistakable, soft metallic "shush" sound.

2. Butter knives seem unnaturally sharp lately.

3. When I spoon some food into my mouth, I can feel the resentment pass between my lips.

4. Spoons and forks, normally bitter enemies, seem almost chummy these days.

5. Someone subscribed to Guerrilla Warfare Quarterly, and it was not me.

6. I swear I heard "La Marseillaise" being sung inside the dishwasher.

7. When I bit through my lower lip yesterday, the pickle fork just giggled.

8. They seem to be stockpiling toothpicks.

9. Found a corn cob holder on my pillow.