Editor's Note: Sorry, this is a little late. We here at A Play A Day & Lysteria hope our vast, vast, vast readership can apply these cogent ideas to next year's celebration of America's freedom.
Publisher's Note: I would personally like to apologize to our valued readers for the untimeliness of this posting. Due to this dereliction of duties, and his insistence on calling our readership wide and fat, our editor has been fired and subsequently replaced. We are in more distinguished and capable hands now. Let's have our new editor introduce herself.
New Editor's Note: Please allow me to introduce myself to all you fucking porkers, I'm the new editor for A Play A ...
Publisher's Note: Well, looks like I'm the editor around here now. Enjoy the belated list.
1. Beat up on immigrants. It's quintessentially ironic, and irony is quintessentially American; so, in that sense, it's extremely patriotic.
2. Let the red, red blood flow from your white, white skin into the blue, blue public pool.
3. Just eat and eat and eat like the disgusting pig you are.
4. Debate someone in the town square on a hot-button civic issue like your right to tear both ears from his head, not just the one you've already removed.
5. Encourage another great American revolution by killing all the British people you can find.
6. Wave the flag. Harder. Harder! Harder!!! HARDER, you wussy fuck!!!!
7. Watch television all day with one hand placed reverently over your heart.
8. Remember everyone who has died to keep this great country free as you pass out at the neighbor's barbecue yet again.
9. Jerk off to good ol' freedom-lovin' American porn.
10. March from Wal-Mart to McDonald's wearing only a small American flag tied around your junk while you attempt to scream the National Anthem with seven hot dogs jammed in your mouth, and while firing a semiautomatic rifle into the air with one hand (don't forget your 2nd Amendment rights!), and with your other hand proudly giving the finger to the rest of the world. We're #1! USA!
11. Visit an American Flag factory in China.
12. Watch NASCAR in the Wal-Mart parking lot while sizzling up some Omaha Steaks and kickin' back with some Bud Light. Don't forget to wear a Harley muscle shirt and your giant "Live Free or Die" belt buckle. After the cookout, it's obligatory to play chicken in the parking lot with your '78 Impala while listening to Steve Miller.
Hey- A New Hampshirite would never be found drinking in a Wal-Mart parking lot...
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