1. Eras Bold - A little too bold with its hands, if you catch my drift.
2. Broadway - Always singing loudly for no good reason.
3. Algerian - Number one state sponsor of terrorism against my ancestral French fonts.
4. Bauhaus 93 - If this font had a nose, you wouldn't be able to see anywhere but up it. A touch too pretentious for my tastes.
5. Mistral - Killed my mom.
6. Jokerman - Reason to suspect this font may actually be more of a Jokerwoman. This ruse doesn't strike me as funny.
7. Cooper Black - Drinks too much.
8. Gill Sans Ultra Bold Condensed - Jesus! Make up your mind! Does one font need this many special features? I've heard it has a hot tub in some iterations.
9. Old English Text MC - Rhymes are too Shakespearean compared to most other contemporary rap artists.
10. Showcard Gothic - Too dark and brooding in a very self-centered, whiny way.
11. Wingdings - Only speaks in gibberish; seems unconcerned with communicating on a meaningful level.
12. Lucida Sans Typewriter - Inability to adapt to changing technology makes this the doddering, senile, shouting grandparent of fonts. Always reminding other fonts about how it was done "back in my day!"