July 24, 2007

Should We Sell Our National Parks?

Hmmm. Selling our national parks? Maybe. Maybe not. Let's weigh the benefits and drawbacks of various corporate takeovers of the American national park system.

Buyer: Google
Benefit: Messy nature now indexed and searchable. Easy and quick to find the most popular tree in the forest, for example.
Drawback: "Unobtrusive" text ads everywhere you look. Everything you do in parks is tracked and stored indefinitely.

Buyer: Linux
Benefit: All parks are free and open to everyone.
Drawback: Only hardcore nature geeks capable of navigating parks.

Buyer: Microsoft
Benefit: Wide range of supporting activities programmed specifically for the parks.
Drawback: Parks would just stop working for no known reason, meaning everyone would have to leave the parks and then re-enter for them to work properly again.

Buyer: McDonald's
Benefit: Plenty to eat.
Drawback: Precipitous drop of animal diversity in inverse proportion to the introduction of new Big Mac "flavors".

Buyer: Weyerhaeuser
Benefit: National forests are professionally managed.
Drawback: National forests' names all get the word "Memorial" appended to them.

Buyer: Oprah
Benefit: Now that they have Oprah's blessing and star-power, millions of Americans begin to discover and support our valuable national park system.
Drawback: Two words - empowered grizzlies.

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