Possible Outcomes Of My Next Texas Hold 'Em Hand

1. One Jack, Four Asses

2. Five Aces (2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, J, Q, and K wild)

3. Pair of Pants

4. Full House (three bad actors over the Olsen twins)

5. King of Dicks high

6. Four Queens, King of Pizza Delivery (start porn music now)

7. Eighty-Eight of Spades high

8. Two Pair - Fives of Hydrogen Bombs and Naked Ladies, Nines of Angry Hippos and Anthrax

9. A lousy Three of Clubs high (think about this one for a while)

10. A hand sadly lacking in diversity

11. Three of an Unkind (begin creepy horror music now)

12. Four dead former Texas Hold 'Em players (I told them to leave their hands above the table, damnit)