Indications Your Child Is Evil

1. Has shown little interest in compromising in his tense nuclear standoff with China.

2. Eats one pea, spreads the rest around the plate to reduce appearance of pea density, and it works every time.

3. Owns the high-score board on EvilChild.com.

4. You catch her digging through your anthrax spore collection.

5. His parrot only knows the words "human" and "trafficking" and "alibi".

6. Constantly testing the tensile strength of various types of wire on her classmates.

7. All of your child's past teachers have been relocated by the FBI.

8. Dick Cheney is on her speed dial, and she's on his.

9. Starts asking himself, "What would Hitler do?"

10. Calmly suggests that it would be better for the family if they not discuss the hamster any more.

11. Recently purchased her third super computer "to help with a big spelling test."

12. All he wants for Christmas is two front teeth; not his own.

13. Only plays with Self-Surgery Barbie.

14. Pretty sure his cat used to have four legs, not three stumps and a wheel.