2. You're all out of Crystal Meth Flakes breakfast cereal and milk.
3. Traffic is so bad that you're late telecommuting to work.
4. Your head hurts so much from drinking last night that you forget that you actually drank three nights ago. Last night, you tried self-trephination... after drinking heavily.
5. No matter how much you scrub, you just can't get that burned-Cub-Scout-troop smell off your hands.
6. Jesus calls just to tell you he really fucking hates you.
7. Your Ecudorian blend roast double half-mocha half-cappucino tasted like it hadn't been shade-grown.
8. The police arrest you at home for being "kind of a dick."
9. You get e-mail about cheap medicine on the internet. You search and search, but can't find these drugs anywhere on the internet inside your now-disassembled computer.
10. Your hair starts to fall out in clumps immediately after getting your head caught in the paper shredder.
11. You are Dick Cheney.
12. You are a poet.
13. You are a poet employed by Dick Cheney.