Grafitti Needn't Be Coarse: Examples of Stall Scrawl Decency

What I imagine might be written on the walls in only the finest of public restrooms.


1. I wish to relay to you something that your mother uttered when we were otherwise engaged in some private, interpersonal matters last evening.

2. I find your behavior most unacceptable in polite society.

3. Jennifer, in all ways a comely and intelligent lass, just so happens to perform fellatio quite admirably. You would do well to schedule an appointment with her at your earliest possible convenience. She may be contacted at 555-6370.

4. Need a second for the upcoming squash tournament at the club. Do meet me at midnight Saturday in the second stall of the men's room at the rest stop just south of town.

5. I believe I have a finer appreciation than most of the particular delights to be found in coital interludes.

6. This man named Ronald, with whom, I realize, most of you may not be acquainted, I find to be a rather crass fellow. You will just to believe my claim in this matter.

7. I wish to inquire about the availability of certain intoxicants for consumers within the greater metropolitan area. If someone has some information regarding this matter please contact me at 555-9082, or perhaps post a list of probable contacts below this message. Thank you ever so much.

8. While not wanting to offend, I'm wondering if I might point out that, though I deeply respect you as a person in nearly all possible matters, I, on occasion, feel you may inhale from the butt end of life.

9. My former romantic partner has left me quite vexed by her contradicting and oft-cruel statements.

10. Please note below the clever picture I've crafted. On first inspection, it might appear to be a long missile plunging earthward between two hills. I entreat you, however, to look more closely, as the hills and missile might suggest, upon closer examination, something quite delectably ribald.

11. Here I sit, a touch brokenhearted; as I entered this bathroom fully intending to relieve the pressure in my bowels, but, having attempted to do so, I find that I merely needed to lessen some gastric pressure through flatulence.

12. I have suspicions that both your father and your father's father may have been homosexuals.

13. I feel it is my duty to report that I have successfully masturbated in this immediate area.