Things We Didn't Want To Hear From The Tour Guide During Our Teenager's Recent College Visit

1. Last year, there were 15 rapes/murders on campus; this year, there were 15 again, but they were only murders/rapes.

2. Free beer is delivered to each dormroom on Tuesdays.

3. Most of the unexploded munitions left in the main quad have probably now been found.

4. The campus is great for geological research given its location on an active fault line.

5. The campus is only 72% greek, but we're working to raise that to 85% over the next three years.

6. Drugs aren't a real problem on this campus now that we've switched to public executions.

7. The wanton intimidation and humilation should last for just your freshman year.

8. Over 9% of our graduates find work in a field they can pronounce.

9. We are very concerned about the environment: the college has recently begun waging war on the ravages of growing grass with a fleet of lawnmowing machines.

10. The entire campus plumbing system is now wireless!

11. Both student dining halls have been dysentery-free for over three weeks.

12. Students are, of course, encouraged to use contraception before, during and after sex with their professor.

13. Most students who graduate within four years do so in only four years!

14. Thank you for the question, prospective student #1282, I would have to say that students are certainly treated as valuable individual tuition-units here.

15. Last year, 95% of our undergraduates were told they received generous financial aid, and 5% actually did.

16. Now, on-campus student riots only occur when a sports team wins or loses a game.

17. Fraternity and sorority row have been recently designated historic red-light districts.

18. Most bodies are removed within two or three days of their discovery.