July 30, 2007

How Things Would Be Different in My Life if I Suddenly Became a Common Earthworm

1. When my kids asked me if I can drive them to the pool, I would have to answer truthfully that our minivan is not designed in such a way as to allow me, a common earthworm, to both see over the steering wheel and work the gas and brake pedals.

2. Typing at work would be considerably more difficult.

3. I would still make holes in soil, but I would use my whole body instead of just my penis.

4. I wouldn't think "The Birds" was such a funny movie any longer.

5. My family would probably get sick of me always asking where my shoes were, and then snickering at them.

6. I would be less tall.

7. Sex with my wife would be rather interesting, but not as interesting as sex with your wife.

8. I might look silly wearing my old, human pants. Need to purchase new worm pant.

9. Crossing the street would be increasingly fraught with great hazard, and I would feel compelled to do so whenever it rained heavily.

10. Wife could get me into movies for free.

11. I would have serious difficulty speaking eye-to-eye with most people.

12. The "I'm but a common earthworm" excuse would probably get me out of many domestic responsibilities.

13. That same excuse would probably also clear me of the assault charges; though, truth be told, I was drunk and a worm, and I did it. I wasn't going to just sit by and listen to that bastard talk smack about earthworms like that.

14. If I were to speak about composting, people would really listen.

15. General uptick in self-sliming behaviors.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

No- being an earthworm does not relieve you of domestic responsibilities- it may change them- perhaps composting the dog poo in the backyard as opposed to folding laundry- but rest assured your time will be filled.

That would be "Your Favorite Domestic Goddess"