July 28, 2007

Exactly How The Rich Are Different

1. Rich people have sex with absolutely anything for any reason.

2. If a rich person runs you over with his or her car, it probably wouldn't hurt because it's a very nice car.

3. If you want to buy a fancy piece of computer equipment, and it costs one thousand dollars, you might hem and haw about the price for a while before purchasing it. A rich person would say "Hmmm... that's a lot of money, but luckily I'm rich." Then they would purchase it.

4. Rich people are all really good at winning lotteries.

5. If you have brown hair, a rich person has rich person's brown hair.

6. Rich people have an uncanny ability to find change on the sidewalk, leading to quick amassing of fortunes.

7. Rich people have names like Worthington, Bixley and Muff. Poor people have stupid names.

8. When it is five o'clock to you, it is likely five a.m. or p.m. to the rich.

9. Rich people deserve our unending thanks for having the courage to be rich.

10. Rich people have genetic maps which are alarmingly close to those of one or two rich people from the preceding generation.

11. Rich people shit gold. Soft, smelly, brown gold.

12. "Rich people" is missing the prefix found in the phrase "non-rich people".

13. Most people see what is and ask why; rich people see what isn't and ask their chauffeur why not.


Jim H. said...

"Steal a little and they land you in jail; steal a lot and they make you king."

-- Bob Dylan

David said...

14. Rich people carry the birth certificates of poor people, because it's always helpful to have some pocket change.

15. Rich people understand that laughter is expensive. As such, they refuse to laugh at anything less serious than death in their private gladiatorial arenas.

16. Rich people own lots of land. This is not because land is valuable, but because poverty is contagious, and the farther they are from it, the better.

17. The term filthy rich refers not to the people, but the riches themselves. One becomes filthy rich only after picking up many shit-covered dollar bills.