July 26, 2007

Unfortunate First Lines of Some Particularly Indignant or Pointless Letters to the Editor

Dear Editor,

Imagine my chagrin this past Wednesday when I returned home from a long work day to find my breakfast dishes had been upturned by my pesky cat; leaving the residue of oat flakes and milk to harden on the gleaming oak of my kitchen table.
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To Whom It May Concern,

Bertrand Pullen's recent commentary on the Pritchard Center's Etruscan pottery exhibit was both comprehensive in scope and daring in its insight into the Bronze Age civilization's geopolitical leanings, but it does little to excuse his too frequent use of the phrase "cocksucking Romans".
.......


Dear Sirs or Lady Reporters,

Your story about the new fall television series "Debugger" on the Computer Science Network neglected to include a picture of the show's cast which I've been informed is standard operating procedure for stories of this type; so I'm wondering why I should continue to subscribe to your newspaper when it so obviously hates technology and technology-related crime series.
.......


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To The Editors,

In my 93 years on this planet, I have never read a more irresponsible claim on the benefits of crocheting one's own slippers than that which appeared in these pages last Monday ("Comforting Arthritic Feet with Crafty Hands"; December 11); so, after ruminating on the issue for a number of days, I have decided to firebomb your offices on Christmas Eve in retaliation.
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Dear Editor,

Dude!
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To Whom It May Concern,

As a man who has suffered from the pain of losing both parents at a young age, I was especially grateful for the courage shown by my fellow orphan, Lindee Lix, in her portfolio in your June issue of All-American Anal Assault.
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editer

When u gonna publish all them great storie's i wrot 2 ya ?!!
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2 comments:

Christopher Tassava said...

To the Editor:

Please stop posting these lists during workdays or weekday evenings: my laughter is distracting my coworkers and waking my family. (The crocheting item is the killerest bit of the week.)

Thank you.

Bleeet said...

Ah, geez, you're making me blush over here...

Thank you.