July 27, 2007

Instructions for Avoiding Retail-Related Catastrophes Like Those That Occurred During Last Year's Crazy Daze Street Sell-a-bration

1. When the sky darkens, first ask yourself: Is it an eclipse of the sun? Also, listen. Does it sound like a repeat of last year's attack by eagle-sized wasps?

2. Though there may be a large number of unattended children and teens in the street sale area, you should not attempt to purchase them and get them into your vehicle. Most are probably not for sale.

3. Prostitutes in the street sale area are no longer allowed to offer any special pricing during Crazy Daze including, but not limited to, any type of 2-for-1 bargains or "freebies".

4. Fist fights over such things as the last remaining clearance-rack powder blue tank top must now be settled in a best-of-three-rounds boxing ring set up for that purpose. Such disputes can no longer be "free-for-alls" or "to-the-death".

5. Again this year, the mime troupe from the local college is not an invading army; please respect their right to perform.

6. While it's true that you may now carry a concealed weapon, there is no reason to fire it into the air repeatedly because you saved 25% on sandals. This simple precaution should significantly lessen trampling and heart attack deaths this year.

7. Local drug dealers are not allowed to lower prices within 100 feet of any retail outlet selling children's goods: toy stores and children's clothing stores, for example.


Jim H. said...

It's just one day. But "Krazy Day" just doesn't sound right. Also, there should be a rule that any car calling itself a collector car or antique should be allowed to park on Division Street between Fifth and Seventh. I have a 1998 Mazda Protege thyat is highly coveted by a Mazda collector in Hong Kong. It would look really boss parked next to a powder blue 1966 Corvair.

ShOI said...

I'm just glad we don't celebrate Colostomy Daze.