It's well known that I am well known for being well known for having heaping scads of integrity.
I may be the most integritous person you might ever possibly perhaps meet.
Why am I filled to the brim with integritiousness?
I'm not entirely sure. Here are my guesses.
1. I do what I say. For instance, when I say I'm going to kill your family, I kill your family.
2. I don't make promises I can't uphold. This is why I have never promised to give your ear back; I honestly can't find it.
3. Graduated from Columbia with a Master's in Applied Integrity.
4. I openly claim and own my faults. I have no problem telling people that I'm a pathological liar. Really, I am. I wouldn't lie about this.
5. People can count on me. I only let down those people who deserve to be let down, like everyone who refuses to be better than me.
6. I say what's on my mind even when the fucking gerbil isn't listening! AGAIN!!
7. Recently bought two cases of integrity for only $7.99.
8. I will only take credit for the work I do, not someone else's work. I am proud of the work I did to connect the generator to your genitals, for example, but you're the one who did the tough work of shitting yourself in pain.