1. You frequently have sex with eight or more women and don't want to take that kind of cut in your action.
2. You want to buy tickets online, but the internet killed your dog. So, you refuse to interact with it any longer.
3. We should always be striving to advance the arts and culture by constantly redoing classic plays by classic playwrights.
4. You celebrate the show's performance dates, Friday, January 11 and Saturday, January 12, as your own sacred, personal, but national, holidays.
5. Ten dollars is too much for sex with seven women; usually you only pay six.
6. You believe women should not be allowed to have sex as it is distasteful and, often, beneath them.
7. You have grave concerns that the show may not have enough hardcore content to appease your rarefied tastes.
8. You are sick and tired of supporting local arts organizations that have the gall to support local artists.
9. The play uses the unfortunate word "sex" in the title when it would have sounded so much better were it called "Consensual Physical Intimacy With Seven Women."
10. Turns out, you have to both wake up before 8 p.m. and get off your ass to make it to the Northfield Arts Guild theater for the show.
11. It represents the first time sex or sexuality has ever been used in writing, much less, script writing - marking the exact point at which Western Civilization began collapsing.
12. You're more into extreme theater and are holding out for next year's proposed "Anal Sex With Seventeen Women."
13. You are too dainty.
14. The play might convince you that the mythical beast called "Human Sexuality" is real after all.
15. You're worried that Shakespeare's royalties will decrease too much as a result of theater funds being funneled to this production.
16. Why should you have to pay to see a fundraising play for a local arts organization when they already are rich beyond belief from their long-term involvement with corrupt, monied Big Theater interests in this country?
17. Art is terrifying unless it's old and comfortable.
18. Stick is so far up your ass it impedes sitting in theater chairs.
19. The point of art has never been and must never be to challenge anyone.
(Full disclosure: The internet has only ever threatened my dog. The stick up my ass is comfortably ensconced, thank you very much.)
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