Yippee for enhanced interrogation! The CIA never tires of asking questions. Sometimes, if you're visiting with the CIA and you don't hear a question, they have to enhance it by speaking with better diction or with greater volume or with upside-down drowning-simulation play or with longer stretches of shackled, enforced standing or with sexy, wet, naked time in a very cold room.
Little did I know, until someone shipped me this really funny home video the other day, there are many other types of enhanced interrogation that can be used to help a guest open up and tell you a little about him- or herself.
This video taught me so much. Here are just some of the ways the CIA, and, by extension, you, can help that shy friend or detainee share what's on their mind.
1. Tear out his heart and show it to him. Tell him you won't give it back until he stops being so coy.
2. Heavy, heavy, heavy petting.
3. Tell your friend or perpetually-housed, uncharged guest that you just won't speak to him until he is willing to be more emotionally vulnerable and trusting with you.
4. An infinite, very loud, thirty-second yodeling loop.
5. Something called "blender fondling". Your guest won't know what it is, but neither do you.
6. Promise to increase the size of his penis - one abrupt, violent yank at a time.
7. Blow fart noises on your pal's naked tummy and then say "Who's a cutie-wutie? Who's a good, widdle awweged terrowist enemy combatant?" Repeat.
8. When he answers a question, be sure to follow up with a quick "You sure?"
9. Make him watch television. Cover floor with lye and tacks. Lay friend on the floor. Place sixty-inch flat screen television directly on your guest's face. Turn it to the station of his choice.
10. Instead of "Good Cop / Bad Cop", you and a fellow curious investigator can play "Good CIA Agent / Really Good CIA Agent Who Happens to Have a Cattle Prod in His Hand" with your buddy.
11. You catch more flies with honey; so shove progressively larger jars of honey up his ass until he decides he just might have a few things he'd like to chat about.