December 28, 2007

What I Said That Really Killed the Party

1. Everyone stop! I'm missing a couple of my anthrax spores.

2. Luckily, the doctor said it's contagious between two people, and I'm only one person.

3. Has anyone seen my scab? I last scratched it when I was near the nachos.

4. I must contend that this party is merely a social construct, and, on some level, occurs only because we believe it occurs. Or have you not read your Berger?

5. This is the first party I've attended since releasing myself from prison.

6. I'll bet you twenty bucks I can fuck that hot German Shepard over there.

7. I feel it's crucial that I get out and associate with all you little people a couple times every year; it keeps everything in perspective for me.

8. Okay, who pissed in the punch before I had a chance to?

9. I wish the host had invested in an industrial-strength plunger.

10. No, I wasn't coming on to you; I meant: "Have you seen my penis?" As in, it was just in my pants, but now?

11. That should burn real easy.

12. What it comes down to is this: my word against a fifth-grader's. Who you gonna believe? A man who's already paid his debt to society or some eleven-year old floozy?

13. Oh, you mean this machine gun? I just use it for squirrel hunting and stuff.

14. It's been a bad month; I had to fire the pilots for all of my private jets when they decided to ask for health insurance.

15. ...and then for my fourth suicide attempt...

16. I know it doesn't look infected, but it sure smells like it. Take a sniff.

17. The problem with most cannibals is they overplay the whole recluse-loner angle. The way I figure it, you gotta meet 'em to eat 'em. That's what sets me apart.

18. I can menstruate on cue. Watch!

19. I'm both a mime and a ventriloquist.

2 comments:

Jim H. said...

19. (cont'd) ...and I brought my accordion!

Bleeet said...

19. (cont'd from Jim's continuation)...that I'm just learning how to play!