I Wish to Be Objectified as a Hot, Quivering Slab of Man Flesh on My Own Terms

1. If you think I'm sexy, and you want my body, get in line. Right now, I'd like to spend time with women who think I'm sexy or who want my body, but not both.

2. I'll thank you to be inclusive in your comments: it is more accurate to say that I am shaking what both my mother and father "gave me."

3. I don't care how much money you have or how far you've come, I do not take traveler's checks.

4. Federal law stipulates that I get one fifteen minute break for every four hours spent grinding my loins against you.

5. I refuse to pose as your beefcake calendar's Mr. April wearing only a maraschino cherry. Mr. September or Mr. May, maybe.

6. You obviously feel possessive of what you think you own, but, nonetheless, it remains my junk.

7. Please do not slobber all over my buns of steel, lest they rust.

8. Once again, I prefer "dark", "handsome", then "tall" in that order. There is no room in that sequence for "magically delicious."

9. Stunt cocks have feelings too.