Autopsy Report Excerpts

Selected passages from the paperwork of another one of my many careers - a job that I was not able to hold onto very long:


1. "First, I removed the head. This allowed for two things: I was able to determine conclusively that the patient was dead, and I was able to cut up the rest of the body without the patient's eyes gazing at me with that creepy 'I'm dead' stare. I made sure of this by gouging the head's eyes out, and putting them in a box in the other room."

2. "The very cute corpse was wheeled into my lab at 6:25 p.m. on Friday night, March 7. Despite spending considerable time attempting to revive her, she remained dead. One more Friday night without a date for this lonely pathologist. Why must she tempt me so? I turned out the lights and headed home."

3. "...right tibia and patella, coccyx, and probably two or three ribs all might show extensive damage. It should be noted why this damage is hypothetical in nature: I can no longer confirm that the bones in question are truly 'damaged' as much as 'missing.' Not sure where I put them."

4. "In good conscience, I cannot work on this body. It would represent a distinct conflict of interest as, earlier this evening, I had a blind date with this woman that ended badly. Very, very badly."

5. "In my professional opinion, subject died because he was a fat fucking pig."

6. "Subject appears to have succumbed to the terminal pain brought about by the sudden departure of her heart's true love, her soulmate, her one and only, her muse, her candle in the darkness, plus she was run over by a train."