May 24, 2007

You Might Be a Redneck and What You Can Do About It

1. You are poor, uneducated, quick to anger and almost reactionary in your belief system. You are also the easy target of jokes; because, for unkown reasons, your neck is a scarlet-coated cylinder. Consult with a doctor for medical help and a social worker to see if your bizarre skin coloration is holding you back, and if there are any local support groups.

2. After a long day at the beach with insufficent sunblock, you realize that the back of your neck is horribly sunburned. Apply some aloe vera lotion. If skin blisters, you may want to see a doctor.

3. After eating seafood, you discover that you may be allergic. This has never happened before! Your face and neck start to break out in large clusters of red hives and your throat begins constricting. Get to a doctor immediately.

4. After a tough run, you haltimgly gasp to the finish line, increased blood flow in your surface capillaries causes your face and neck to appear quite red. Drink some water and keep walking around for a little while until your pulse slows, then do some light stretching.

5. You wake up. You go to work. You come home. You make supper. You clean up. You watch a movie or favorite television program. You get ready for bed. You read a book until you fall asleep. Everything is just as it always is; except your neck is red the whole time. If it isn't interfering with your daily functioning, there is no cause for alarm.

6. You frequently engage in sexual intercourse with your sister and your sister's sheep, and your neck is red. Please wear a condom, and keep an eye on the redness to make sure it doesn't change in appearance.

(Dear Reader: Are you a redneck? Do you need to see a doctor? Sure, we all do. Now, I'm not a doctor, but I play one on this blog. Tell me about your red neck in the comments section below.)

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