1. In your left hand. It's huge and craggy.
2. On your metal, key-patterned floor.
3. Inside your last prostitute. Was her name Candy? Roxy? Something like that.
4. In the mystical, magical land of Iwassofuckingdrunklastnight.
5. We're not sure, but we know we've narrowed it down to the general vicinity of Arizona, and it's highly unlikely that they're, like, in the Grand Canyon.
6. In your daughter's birthday cake.
7. They're actually not lost. They're hiding. That's different; because my keys are alive.
8. Inside the bra of that really hot girl sitting at the end of the bar. Seriously, dude, go check it out.
9. In your underwear, but that was intentional. I guess that means that they're not lost. Good for you!
(Dear Reader: Where exactly did you lose your keys, and can I borrow them for a little bit?)