A Play A Day #98

Important Developments In The War On Terror

Cast:
The President of the United States of America

Setting: Oval Office, televised address to the nation.


(lights up)

President: Good evening, my fellow devout Americans. I bring you tonight Fox news of our endless struggle to rid the world of terror. This Fox news, like all the Fox news on the Fox network, is upright, forthright, and just right.

I do not wish to scare or alarm you tonight. There can be no benefit to a sitting American President in watching his people cower in fear of an ill-defined, shadowy, boogyman monster. Please America, do not cower at the news I must tell you tonight. We must be courageous in the knowledge that I will protect you in a very heroic fashion.

I bring you news of great joy and news of great sorrow. I wasn't sure what to tell you first; so I tossed a shiny Texas quarter and "joy" came up. Actually it was heads, which left me at a confusion, seeing as heads is neither "joy" or "sorrow", but then Uncle Dick told me that we could assume that heads meant "joy", and tails meant "sorrow". That Dick's a crafty thinker. So heads it is!

My news of great joy is this: I have caught Osama bin Laden! He is in the custody of the White House Police force as I speak to you right now. Earlier this morning, approximately ninety-nine American Marines arrived with bin Laden in handcuffs and... ummm... them ankly-cuffs too... and they drug him up to the Oval Office where, at my orders, they beat him soundly, and, just for kicks and giggles, we kicked him and giggled. Then we stripped him naked and took pictures of him with things sticking out of his butt, like he was gay.

Oh, and we burnt his little fake bible thingy and filmed him while we forced him to eat the ashes. Then we smeared him with some dog poop we found under my desk, and beat him some more. I will be posting some of those cool pictures on my MySpace page later tonight. Make sure you're on my "Friends" list, and you'll get a password to access these top-secret, funny photographs. Please, I ask that none of you leak any of these photos to the treasonators at The New York Times or The Washington Post.

Let me assure you that Osama's unruly, scowling demeanor necessitated such rough treatment in full accordance with international laws and treaties I may or may not selectively recognize. We smacked some good ol' American sense into him. Then I got to take the cuffs off him and recuff him for the cameras. I even got to wear an old police hat for that picture. It made the photo even more opportuniful.

So, that's all done. We win! I got Osama! I wish his mother was still alive; 'cause I'd really like to be able to say that I got Osama and Osama's mama. That woulda been real neat! And then, maybe if Osama had a secret pet, like a llama, and maybe his mama also had a llama... a terrorist llama... then I coulda arrested them all and said that I got Osama and Osama's (loud cough heard off-camera, President glances that way)... but, we can't be greedy.

Now, you might think this would mean that the war on terror is over. Unfortunately it is not. We must be ever-vigilant, ever-strong, ever-ready, ever-hard on these terrorists. More will crop up. Like bad potatoes, they watch you while you sleep, their long white testicles reaching out for you...

(manic coughing from off-camera, whispered consultation) that's what I said.. what... no, no... I said that... show me the replay... what... still on... live on the TV? Right now?

...uh... reaching out for you... but they're not tentacles at all! They're eyes! Like bad potatoes, with long, snaky, eye things! They're watching you! We must trust our intelligence community to find these new sneaky terrorist testicles, and you must trust your leaders will treat that intelligence with great care and find the really important, dangerous parts which conform best with our super-secret plans.

This brings me to the bad news that we received today. Just minutes after we took out last pictures of Osama naked, and after we chained him to a bench in the Rose Garden, intelligence sources brought me six top-secret documents detailing a grave new threat to American security.

America has a brand new, even more evil, more crafty, more harder to catch, more mastermindical number one terrorist leader to catch. This new guy is more mysterious, more shifty, more elusive, more Osama than Osama himself, and, well, he's just bad. He's like Super Osama. He even wears a cape!

Upon being given a brief executive summary of the executive summary of these six documents, I have instructed our nation's two or three coolest armed services to train all available resources on the immediate tracking and capture of one "Lord Voldemort".

He is to be considered far more dangerous and terroristic than terrorism itself. Lord Voldemort, also known as Tom Marvolo Riddle, has been known to prey on children. Innocent children and their families. He is a Dark Lord, ably and willingly assisted by a large army of followers known only as Death Eaters.

That's just plain scary-soundin'!

At first, I thought maybe these Death Eaters were good guys; you know, like they ate death, and made it go away. I thought: Hey! If they eat death, maybe they poop life!

Sadly, I have been told that this is not the case. Voldemort's followers are fanatical, devout... ummm... followers of Voldemort. To make it all worse, our sources tell us this Voldemort and his Death Eaters are magical terrorists.

They are known to possess Weapons of Magical Divination! Huge invisible stockpiles of these weapons are believed to be stored throughout the British countryside and available to Voldemort and his terrormakers at the simple flick of a wand, or summoning of a magical word or phrase.

We contacted our good friends in Britainland and asked them if they knew that they were harboring the world's most hated and most evil terrorist and his splinter cell of death people. After tense negotiations with Great Britain's funny-sounding leaders lasting long into my scheduled thirty-minute lunch break; I broke off talks. Future denials from Great Britain about Lord Voldemort or his WMD stockpiles fell upon my deaf, brave ears.

America will begin a super-cool shock-and-awe invasion of England in one hour. After a month or so of continuous carpet bombing, we will again entertain motions to negotiate England's surrender of the feared Voldemort and his supporters. Failure to negotiate in good faith at that point may lead to further military action by American forces.

I know you will join me in supporting me at this moment of massive crisis in our history. It is with a heavy heart that I have ordered this invasion of our long-time pals, the British. Having fought the American Revolution together against our tyrannous Persian overlords, America and England have long enjoyed a love affair of continuous support and unswervable friendship. Sadly, that friendship must now come to an end. America can remain allies with no nation that harbors such dangerous terrorists as Lord Voldemort.

Rest assured, I will keep you updated with any important intelligence that supports our decision to invade Great Britain. We will continue to fight this endless, winnable war against terrorism. It is my duty as President to never cut and run, especially when I can bomb and walk away.

Thank you for your great patriotism in supporting me. Good night, and may God bless Christian America.