Setting: Camping site. Al and Mitch are setting up a small camping stove.
Al: There... that should do it.
Mitch: Set up?
A: Yep, so where's this guy?
M: Should be here soon... directions were good.
A: Yeah... construction's done... it's only, what? an hour?
M: 'S all it took me.
A: It's a great site, Mitch.
M: Yeah, discovered it a couple years ago...
A: Only an hour from the city, but it's like no one's ever been here.
M: But you can still drive right to the site.
A: Pretty nice spot.
M: Should be here any time.
A: Hope so, he's bringing the meat, right?
M: Yep. He's never been camping, he said.
A: Fishing though?
M: Said only once; he was real little.
A: Not an outdoors guy, huh?
M: Nope. Suburbs. Born and raised.
A: Too bad.
M: Think he's just a different sort of guy.
M: He's nice; new at work.
A: Been beggin' you to go fishing, huh?
M: Said he wanted to see the woods.
A: He's never seen 'em?
M: Well, I think he has...
A: Probably had to pay to see trees.
M: ...Nahhh, but I doubt he's ever been someplace like this.
A: Real woods.
M: Yep, more real than anything he's seen. (sound of car pulling up nearby, car doors opening and shutting)
A: Must be him.
M: Guess so. (pause, sounds off-stage of someone struggling with gear, A and M business with other gear they have)
Nolan: (off-stage, loud whisper as if scared) Mitch!!? (pause, A & M shake heads, raise eyebrows at each other) Mitch?!!
(pause again, A & M are laughing a bit now, decide to let it play a bit longer) Mitch!!?
M: (loud voice) Over here!
N: (whisper again) Where?!
M: This way! This way!
N: (fainter, farther off-stage) Here?!
M: Turn around!!
N: Which way?!!
M: This way!
N: (backing onto stage, ridiculously overburdened with brand new, very fancy gear, some with price tags still on, still stage whispers) I'm... ahhh... still not sure where you are....Mitch?!
M: Hi, Nolan.
N: (jumping around) Ohh! Hey!
M: Why are you whispering?
N: (whispering) I don't know.
M: It's the woods, Nolan, not a funeral parlor.
N: (whispering) Oh, o.k. (catching self, regular voice) I mean, right. Got it.
M: Nolan... Al; Al, this is Nolan.
A: Hey there.
A: That's me.
M: Help ya off with your stuff there, Nolan?
N: Yeah! Great!
M: (starts helping Nolan) That's a load of gear, Nolan.
A: Only here for three days, you know?
N: Yeah, I know. I went to that new outdoor gear superstore and told'em I'd be camping this weekend, and I was amazed at the stuff you need!
M: Sure. Sure. (pulling a small chainsaw, large cooking wok, collapsible ladder, extension cord, more bewildered with each) Yeah, Nolan, looks like you got it... all covered.
N: I hope so; it cost enough!
A: I'll bet.
M: We're getting pretty hungry; did you bring the meat?
N: Oh! Yeah, yeah! It's in the car. Sure was stinking up the place! I'll go get it! (exits)
M: Well, they took him for a ride.
A: Yeah, never walk into one of those places and ask for help.
M: Nope, jeez, he's got a half-dozen different flashlights.
A: Was that two separate tents I saw?
M: Believe so.
A: What's that about?
M: Probably has one for laundry.
A: Or a portable sauna.
N: (off stage) C'mon girl! C'mon!
A: (confused look to Mitch) Girl?
N: (enters leading a full-grown cow, or an actor portraying a cow, or whatever you've got to portray a cow on stage) 'Atta girl! There you go! Here we go boys! (stands proudly)
M: (shock) Wha... ahhh...
A: (with Mitch) Ummm... Mitch... uh.... Nolan?
M: Nolan, what is this?
M: It's a cow.
N: Yep, plenty of meat for three big eaters like us!
A: Nolan... this... is... a cow.
N: Yeah! Big one too!
A: Nolan... why?
N: For grilling!
M: Nolan... what were you thinking?
N: That's what the guy at the barn said!
A: This just doesn't...
N: He said: "You'll never get Flora in there!" But those new Volkswagens have roomy back seats.
M: But, Nolan...
N: With enough pushing, we got her in, and thirty miles later, here we are!
A: But we can't eat that much!
N: Well, we got three days, right?
N: So we just keep on grilling!
M: We don't even have a grill!
A: And how do we keep the meat fresh?
N: I got pretty good air conditioning in my car...
M: How do we kill it and dress it out?
N: I brought that chainsaw; says it can handle your toughest outdoor jobs.
A: I don't any of us know how the kill and butcher a cow with a small chainsaw!
M: Nolan, why didn't you just buy a few steaks at the store?
A: Seems like a sensible thing.
N: I just thought, you know, three guys, in the woods, three days, I'd really better bring some serious meat.
A: Nolan, do you know how much meat there is there?
N: In Flora?
A: I'm guessing, if we somehow mangaed to butcher her and keep the meat edible, we'd have to eat about twenty pounds of steak at every meal for three straight days.
N: Wow! That is a lot. But, isn't this what guys do when they camp?
M: No, Nolan, not this! Did you think we strip naked and put on body paint?
A: This ain't "Lord of the Flies", Nolan.
M: We're three guys fishing for a few days.
A: I actually tend to eat more vegetables than meat.
N: (contrite) Well, it just seemed so... masculine.
M: Nolan. It's actually pretty stupid.
N: Well... macho then?
A: So you gonna kill her now?
N: (picks up chainsaw, looks at Flora, at chainsaw, at Flora) No. I just can't kill Flora.
M: Hard to eat something with a cute name.
A: So what do we do?
M: I'm starved, so let's eat our bag of salad, and then bring Flora back to the farm where you got her.
N: Say... could one of you guys help me bring her back?
A: You got her here.
N: Yeah, but the Beetle's not too comfortable for Flora. I parked behind a truck; must be one of yours.
A: It's mine, and it's filled with extremely heavy and valuable work gear. What about yours, Mitch?
M: The Benz!?
A: It's a convertible.
M: It has leather seating!
A: So does Flora.
M: No, not a chance!
A: Alright, why don't we eat the salad, and then we can discuss the best way to get Flora back.
M: (filling three camp plates with salad) Alright, here ya go. We'll pick up some meat when the cow is returned.
A: Rather ironic.
(They sit and eat with a little ad-libbing, Flora nudges Mitch several times, Mitch finally catches on and starts sharing his salad with Flora as lights fade out)