A Play A Day #95

My Many Minute Mamet Mammal Moment

[Note: This play is an homage to David Mamet. I know the writing isn't even close to his, and this is a fairly absurd play, and he probably doesn't expect nor want nor even appreciate an homage from me, but what the hell.... since he isn't returning my calls, it's the only way to reach him. Originally this play appeared as a comment on a friend's blog. Yes, the whole thing was a comment; she hasn't spoken to me since. Pace should be rapid-fire. Also, it's fucking filthy.]

Cast:
Sam
Jay

Setting: Bare stage.


(lights up, Sam and Jay are looking at an unseen animal on stage)

Sam: What is this?

Jay: What? This...

S: Yeah what the, the fuck is this?

J: I don't...

S: You don't know, fucking thing...

J: What... fucking thing is...

S: It's one of those umm... what

J: What?

S: What? I don't know

J: Fucking thing, look at that...

S: Dog?

J: Dog?

S: Dog? yeah... it's

J: The fuck you saying?

S: Dog... like a uh... tiny

J: Ain't a fucking dog...

S: Dog... you sure...

J: Yeah, it ain't no fucking little dog...

S: Well... it kind of...

J: No. ain't a dog at all, it ain't a dog

S: oh... maybe it's a dog, but it's deformed or something...

J: Shut up, it ain't a fucking dog, what...

S: Like radiation or something, contaminated sewage or something

J: What? sewage is always contaminated...

S: No...

J: No?

S: No, raw sewage is just human waste, and this little dog got some in his eyes, he was eating...

J: So his legs shrunk, and his mouth got tiny and his teeth grew?

S: He's a small dog to begin with...

J: What? Small?

S: So he didn't have far to deform...

J: Didn't have far? fucking deformity, like a distance to go?

S: Yeah, he didn't have a long distance to go?

J: It ain't a fucking dog... it ain't a fucking dog...

S: But, like a tiny dog

J: No, what was that?

S: Cute li'l fucker barked at us...

J: Wasn't a fucking bark...

S: Yep, a bark, you know like a tiny bark...

J: No! no fucking tiny bark or anything!

S: Like a tiny dog!

J: No! for fuck's sake, it ain't a fucking dog!

S: It just barked...

J: Wasn't a bark at all...

S: It barked, like really...

J: It wasn't a bark, no fucking bark sounds like that

S: It barked though, just high pitched like a big ummm

J: It, it wasn't a fucking bark or anything...

S: A big bird squawking, an eagle kind of

J: A fucking eagle!

S: A... kind of...

J: Fucking eagle, shit...

S: Kind of like a squawk...

J: You never heard a fucking eagle...

S: Some sort of bird, some... squawk squawk

J: Eagle! Fuck! It ain't a dog or eagle...

S: I didn't... not an eagle? ... just squawk and made me think of eagles...

J: Eagles fucking screech.. loud...

S: Squawk... screech... loud? really?

J: Fucking tear your face off with their fucking claw things...

S: Loud, never seen an eagle... heard them on some tv show or movie or...

J: Screeching the whole time tearing...

S: Robert Redford...

J: Nose gone, fucking eyes clawed right out ... Redford?

S: I guess it was a screech, who else...

J: Fucking Robert Redford? What?

S: Some hot chick...

J: Some hot chick fucking Robert Redford? Who?

S: No, she took her top off in that movie, like a mountain stream or something, naked, like big tits...

J: What the fuck are you talking about?

S: Eagle chirpin' in the background and she gets into the nature mood and takes her top off, jumps in the stream...

J: Eagles fucking screech!

S: Yeah, sure, it was a screech...

J: Loud...

S: Maybe she took her shirt off after the stream, cause of it being wet...

J: Who?

S: The Redford there, with the eagle...

J: Carrying an eagle?

S: She should watch out, like you said, those claws, and her tits just hanging out there...

J: Whose tits?

S: Redford like fucking her by the mountain stream and then music, like soft sensitive music, but big, like moutains and violins and eagles...

J: Eagle? Tits?

S: Probably symbolic or something...

J: What?

S: Symbolic...

J: Yeah, you said symbolic, and...

S: Yeah, symbolic, like the violins like they meant some... and the mountains and the river flowing down between the peaks, and the eagle squawking...

J: Screeching, they don't squawk...

S: This was a sleepy eagle maybe...

J: And so this is a movie...

S: That's it, and it is all symbolic of...

J: Eagles tearing tits and faces off?

S: No, symbolic of Robert Redford fucking some hot wet big-tit bitch in a meadow... and the eagle screeched and the fucking scene was done...

J: The scene with Robert Redford fucking big-tits?

S: Yeah, the eagle cut the scene.

J: Maybe it was going to attack, saw those fat titties hanging there, and got hungry...

S: Eagles eat tits?

J: Could if they wanted. They don't see a lot of'em for a while, they'd get all hungry for some tits...

S: I can relate with eagles then...

J: Yeah, any fucking man'd tell you the same thing... fucking hungry for tits...

S: Fucking squawk squawk and chomp...

J: They fucking screech, damnit...

S: Yeah, like this thing here, right, squawk squawk squawk...

J: Fucking thing just keeps on screeching like that...

S: Won't shut up...

J: But it's not a fucking little deformed dog, or and eagle looking to eat tits, alright...

S: What is this then?

J: I don't fucking know...

S: Oh, I know now...

J: Yeah?

S: It's one of them pumas!

J: Puma?

S: Yeah, one of them!

J: Puma?

S: Yeah ... a

J: Puma?

S: Like a puma cat!

J: Puma?

S: Yeah, with those big teeth and squawking!

J: Fucking puma!?

S: Ready to attack...

J: A fucking puma?!

S: Yeah, sleek cat attacks things!

J: A fucking puma!? a what are...

S: Yeah, jungle cat!

J: We are not in the fucking jungle!

S: Escaped from a zoo!

J: Fucking puma! Do you know how big a fucking puma is?

S: Maybe it's hungry?

J: A fucking puma? You are a sad and stupid fuck, aren't you?

S: What?

J: If it's fucking hungry, and it's a puma, you're a fucking dead man...

S: What?

J: And they're fucking cats, they don't screech or squawk...

S: Like that eagle?

J: Purr, roar, big fucking meows...

S: Man, I bet a hungry puma would eat some nice fleshy tits, huh!

J: What?

S: Like that eagle in the Redford big titty scene?

J: What the fuck, do you...

S: Fucking puma eating tits while Redford fucks her...

J: Ouch, you fucking perv...

S: People'd want to watch that movie...

J: No, not...

S: Gotta keep the eagle in the background...

J: What the...

S: It's like America!

J: Not...

S: Like Robert Redford fucking a big-titty woman in a meadow next to a river while a puma eats her tits and an eagle lands on Redford's shoulder to get a close up, let's out a big squawk...

J: it... screech... you dumb fuck...

S: Violins rising to a climax, camera pans up the mountaintops, which are like symbols for something else and then it fades out...

J: What a fucking...

S: Except right before it fades out, you catch a glimpse of this little thing here...

J: Why?

S: Just in the corner of the scene, or standing on top of one of the mountains like a little something or whatever...

J: You're directing Redford films now?

S: Just some ideas...

J: Yeah, keep it that way...

S: I just would like to get more nature back in films...

J: Yeah, big goal...

S: They're all about those little talkie phones and computers and shit now...

J: Talkie phones?

S: Eagles are cooler...

J: Cellular?

S: Squawk squawk squawk, yeah...

J: Tearing big tits off women?

S: No, that was just one idea from the Redford film...

J: Oh, that's good..

S: Yeah, cellular talkie phones...

J: Not much of a market for eagles pulling women's jugs off in movies...

S: Get back to nature, eagles, pumas, deformed dogs...

J: Very hard to train an eagle to claw a woman's tits off...

S: Meadows and mountains and streams... this little guy, whatever he is, on top of a mountain.

J: I suppose someone can do it, someone will like it...

S: Robert Redford fucking... eagles and pumas and deformed dogs... the stream just...

J: Shit, some people like those porn films where people actually eat human shit.

S: Yeah! That would be a good nature movie...

J: Coprophiliacs, they call'em..

S: What?

J: Shiteaters. fucking people while they take a shit, smearing shit on people they're fucking...

S: What?

J: They fucking love shit, being covered in human shit...

S: You made this movie, with shit?

J: No! I haven't made any fucking shit movie...

S: Oh, but then...

J: I was just saying people like weird shit...

S: Human shit?

J: Yeah, there are people out there who get all hot and wet just thinking about letting people shit in their mouths...

S: Not animal shit?

J: What?

S: You know, human shit?

J: Animal shit?

S: Yeah, more natural!

J: Than human shit?

S: Yeah, more natural than our shit.

J: Shit is shit.

S: No, animal shit's natural.

J: So's human shit.

S: No, it's got chemicals and shit in it.

J: So what?!

S: So... for like my nature movie...

J: What nature?

S: With the eagle and the Robert Redford and the tits...

J: Just shut up, already... damn...

S: Maybe the puma could be sexually excited by eating the eagle shit!

J: NO! stop, you fucking freak...

S: Then the woman wouldn't get her tits eaten, because the puma would be distracted...

J: Just shut up, o.k.!?

S: The deformed tiny dog already ate the sewage and got deformed... so he actually gets off on eating shit too...

J: No...

S: No, wait, the deformed dog eats shit and get more and more deformed, and then gets more and more powerful the more shit he eats...

J: Shut...

S: So, he eats the puma shit and get bigger and bites off Robert Redford's dick and starts fucking the big titty girl and....

J: What are you...

S: And, he fucks her so hard that she shits, and meanwhile the puma and the eagle have been feasting on the corpse of Robert Redford, the deformed, but powerful, dog eats the woman's shit...

J: Stop this shit...

S: So, later, around the campfire, where they are roasting the remains of Robert Redford, the three creatures, now fast friends, have a big shit party and the dog eats it all and get more and more powerful...

J: You're a pathetic...

S: And since the puma and eagle have shit out Robert Redford, the dog starts to get oddly handsome and rugged looking...

J: Fucking unbelievable...

S: Now, he's got like this huge, deformed, but powerful, dog cock and the three friends spend the rest of the movie waiting in alpine meadows for unsuspecting, drunk teenagers to go there and start fucking, and they just get more and more powerful with their shit and tit eating and fucking strangers and eating them and eating their shit and then shitting them out and eating that too, and the dog gets more and more powerful...

J: Frickin' unbelievable, where...

S: Then the army notices that big-tit teens across America are taking trips to alpine meadows and not returning...

J: Stupid, fucking stu...

S: So they start an investigation and realize that the nation's sewage resevoirs are also being drained, all they have for evidence is massive, deformed, dog prints and the loud squawk of an eagle on surveillance tapes...

J: Sounds like a Bruce Willis movie...

S: Then the dog, puma and eagle have to flee as they are being attacked by the army, navy, air force, marines, the coast guard and US postal service all at once. They are forced to survive on port-a-potty cocktails and the occasional aspiring model/actress that they pick up on Hollywood Boulevard.

J: Please, don't...

S: But, here's the twist... the puma is gay!

J: Just.... What!!!

S: Yeah! Gay puma...

J: And......

S: He's a puma and he's gay!

J: What!!

S: Gay jungle cat!

J: What the fuck...

S: Get it?

J: What?!

S: Get it?

J: No! What the fuck!

S: Yep! It's a gay puma!

J: But...

S: The whole time, the puma was gay!

J: But...

S: You didn't see it coming, did ya?

J: But, what...

S: I know it just makes everything so iconic!

J: What, but?

S: The dog, he's straight but bent by his deformity...

J: Ironic?

S: What?

J: Ironic...

S: Yes! So ironic!

J: This doesn't make any sense.

S: Because it's ironic, like you said.

J: But...

S: And ironic means, it doesn't make sense, right...

J: No...

S: But, here's the catch, it does make sense! it does!!

J: No! There is nothing in that whole fucking scenario that...

S: Let me explain, Robert Redford is dead, he died fucking the perfect American alpine-meadow big-titted woman, he was killed in nature by nature, symbolic of nature killing man by castrating him, literally and figuratively, with its razor-sharp sewage-deformed dog teeth, and then an eagle shits, and when an eagle shits, he is shitting out America, because, aside from big-titted, shirtless wet women in alpine meadows getting fucked by Robert Redford, nothing is more American than the eagle, or the eagle shitting, that's why eagles only live in America, because they know, intuitively, that they are symbolic of America, so they feed off each other, and then the puma enters the scene and he brings his cat-like cunning and his cat-like quickness and his cat-like quick reflexes to help his shit-eating and tit-eating friends, and they go on a rampage, but is it really a rampage? Is it? I say, no, it is not! Because, what are they doing, but actually going around and eating America's shit! They are surviving and thriving on human waste, just like the mighty tapeworm. They get more and more powerful as America produces more and more shit, and then, just as you are starting to see through the murder and the mayhem and the shit-eating deformed animals, the puma kisses the eagle full on the mouth, with tongue, and the movie comes full circle!

J: What! You still make no fucking sense!!

S: Yes! It's perfect.

J: A movie isn't just resolved because one of the deformed animals in it is gay!

S: Why?

J: You can't just have all this build-up and all those tits and castrations and sewage depletions and armed services chase scenes, and then just end it all because the puma is gay!

S: It makes perfect sense to me.

J: Because you are a fucking idiot, my friend.

S: Or do you just not understand the term "ironic"?

J: I understand it perfectly! If the Puma was a minister in the Southern Baptist church, and then came out as gay but continued to rail against the sins of homosexuality all the while eating shit and disemboweling prostitutes and French kissing male eagles, there would be irony there!

S: Yes, but would it be ironic? Hmmm?

J: What!?

S: Would it be ironic?

J: Yes, you worthless fuck! Irony means ironic!

S: Really?

J: It's the same fucking word, essentially...

S: Or do you just not understand it, essentially?

J: Fuck off!

S: Hey, let's not fight, just because you don't understand my great American movie!

J: No one will understand it. Well, perverts will, only because they want to see the shit-eating and the tits.

S: Exactly, so it will be nearly the same as every Hollywood film! Perfect!!

J: Yeah, you're probably right there... people eating shit and women flashing their tits...

S: Thanks, I feel like you understand me now...

J: No, I don't know a fucking thing about you or this fucking creature here...

S: Oh, yeah, I remember what it is now!

J: Why didn't you tell me?

S: Just wrapped up in the movie.

J: Of course...

S: But it's a good movie.

J: Yeah, sure, whatever...

S: I'll have to contact Robert Redford...

J: Hey!

S: What?

J: This thing? What is this?

S: What? This...

J: Yeah, what the fuck is this?

S: Oh, yeah, I remember now!

J: And...

S: It's called a marmot.

J: A marmot?

S: Yep, a marmot...

J: Oh. O.K.

S: A gay marmot.

J: Fuckin'.... just.... fuckin' shut up, alright!?

(lights out)

(end)