July 11, 2006

A Play A Day #89

Falling Star


Setting: Table, 2 chairs, Loden is sitting, in walks Doreen, notices him.

Doreen: Oh my God... it's... ummm... aren't you... Loden Planks?

Loden: (charming) Yes.

Doreen: The actor?

Loden: Yes.

Doreen: From California?

Loden: Yes.

Doreen: You were in that... movie... with um... that one guy... with the face...

Loden: Yes. I was.

Doreen: You were so energetic; it was insane!

Loden: Thank you.

Doreen: How do you do that... all that energy?

Loden: (still charming) Cocaine.

Doreen: (not really listening of course) I heard you did all your own stunts!

Loden: Yes.

Doreen: That must have hurt a lot!

Loden: Yes.

Doreen: How'd you do that?

Loden: Demerol.

Doreen: I saw you on that TV show, and you were such a drunken slob though...

Loden: Yes.

Doreen: I didn't even know it was you until the credits. How'd you do that character?

Loden: Alcohol.

Doreen: Then you were on Oprah, and you were so nice and lovable.

Loden: Thank you.

Doreen: That must be your real personality, right?

Loden: Ecstacy.

Doreen: Wow! And here you are! I can't believe it! You're so smooth and relaxed! How do you do that?

Loden: Xanax.

Doreen: (fumbling for paper, pen) Can I get your autograph?

Loden: Yes.

Doreen: (giving him paper and pen) Thank you so much!

Loden: You're welcome.

Doreen: Are you doing a film in town?

Loden: Just finished.

Doreen: Cool! What was your part?

Loden: Crazed, insomniac serial killer.

Doreen: Neat! How do you do that?

Loden: Crystal Meth; acid kicker.

Doreen: I can't wait to tell my friends! Ohh... can I get a picture with you to proove that I met you? (pulling out a digital camera)

Loden: Sure.

Doreen: (leaning faces close together, she snaps picture of them) Great! Thanks so much! (looks at picture on camera's view screen) Oh... wait.... I took the picture wrong, I can see myself, but you must be out of the frame, can I take it again... sorry...

Loden: Sure.

(they snap picture again)

Doreen: There, that should be just per... (seeing screen of camera) um... no... weird... the light must be blocking.. or the zoom is too close... or... ummm... ahhh...

Loden: Could be that I'm dead.

Doreen: (laughter) Right! You're so funny too! I really can't wait...

Loden: I died this morning.

Doreen: So do you mind if I just get a shot of you; that should work, I'll bet...

Loden: No, it won't. I died upstairs, in this hotel, this morning.

Doreen: What?

Loden: Dead. I'm dead.

Doreen: How'd you do that?

Loden: Heroin.

Doreen: Oh.

Loden: Well, nice meeting you...?

Doreen: Oh... Doreen.

Loden: Doreen... nice to meet you.

Doreen: Uhh... sorry... I'm sorry... about your... death.

Loden: Ahh... don't worry about it.

Doreen: It's just that I didn't know...

Loden: Of course you didn't. (getting up) Well, I'd better get going.

Doreen: Where?

Loden: (crossing toward exit) Don't know... wander around...

Doreen: Oh.

Loden: (turning back, just as he's about to exit) Say, Doreen? Make sure you tell everyone that I never learned to act.

Doreen: Why?

Loden: It'll all make sense then.

Doreen: But you won an Oscar.

Loden: Exactly.

(exits, lights fade on Doreen as she sits down and looks at the autograph)


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