Britt Ackerman, LLC, PB&J, trend-setting spokeswoman for Brendon Etter, the leading write-in candidate for mayor, released the following statement today to a crowded crowd of reporters, DJs and scenesters.
"Brendon Etter knows that it creates a much better story when you and your campaign can be seen as down and out, only to be revived. Given new life, only to be thrown to the mat again, which allows for a dramatic re-ascendancy from which you can be summarily toppled and from which toppling you can rise like a phoenix from the ashes of humiliation.
"Brendon Etter also knows that this would be a tiresome process. A process in which he would rather not engage. In its place, Brendon Etter is issuing a full time-table of his campaign's ups and downs as they will play out in keenly orchestrated fashion over the next four months.
"Brendon Etter is not necessarily committing to each of these events actually happening, as he is a very busy man, but he would appreciate if the press would report the events that are laid out in the itinerary as if they did happen.
"For example, tomorrow you would report that Brendon Etter will have been kidnapped by the opposition. In two weeks time, he will ink his first book deal about his roller coaster candidacy and the implications for American democracy.
"Those are just some of the high points. The campaign, however, must crash occasionally in order to have depths from which to resurrect itself. We do not wish to release those to the general public at this time, and ask that the press write in a very shocked, outraged or surprised manner when these scheduled lowpoints occur.
"We will let this teaser slip: One of the bad moments involves seven ferrets and a chainsaw.
"Though unnecessary, please stay tuned for more."
At this point in the press conference, Ackerman played a prerecorded snippet of Etter explaining his reasoning behind the highly-detailed road map of his campaign's future successes and failures.
"It makes my campaign more like one of those touching, soft-lit, athlete biography pieces they play all the time during the Olympics. Everyone loves that shit, right?"