Ahead of his almost-certain victory in the Northfield mayoral race where he holds a commanding lead among write-in candidates, Brendon Etter today issued a preemptive and peremptory lawsuit against the City of Northfield.
"It's important to note that this lawsuit has been filed by my personal attorney and impersonal masseuse, Britt Ackerman, LLC, MVP, BLT, as a sign of my love for this fine city.
"I feel, and Britt concurs, that a city operates best when there are guidelines and procedures imposed upon it by the constant threat of legal action. This is the ultimate promise of American democracy. We want to make sure Northfield fulfills its potential in this way."
Etter claims the suit is a reverse class action. "It's one person suing everyone in Northfield."
Ackerman realizes the difficulty of such a lawsuit. "At first, it hurt to file a lawsuit that, as a resident of Northfield, listed me as one of the defendants, but Brendon reminded me that he was sacrificing as well. His wife and kids are Northfield citizens. He's suing them too. That takes courage, to not make any exceptions in your legal procedures, even at the expense of your own family. That's the kind of brave leader Brendon Etter is."
Ackerman followed up, tears glazing her eyes, "He's all alone in this case. Standing up for what's right, by himself!"
At this time, Etter cannot reveal the nature of the charges in his lawsuit as he instructed Ackerman to file the suit with an underground military tribunal.
"I have had to label all of Northfield as 'potential enemy combatants' against me. We need to keep this lawsuit open-ended so as not to limit charges that could be secretly added later. Letting Northfield citizens get away with future violations against me or my financial interests wouldn't be fair to Northfield. How would they ever learn to better themselves?"
"Also, this is just the first in what will certainly be a long line of lawsuits we will use to care for Northfield over the next few years," added Ackerman, "You can't relax your guard for a moment or the City will become lazy and undisciplined."
On the nature of costs associated with this lawsuit, Etter asserted that "you can't put a price on civic education," he then remarked, off his impeccably-tailored cuffs, "You know, Britt believed in this cause so much she was prepared to do the work pro bono. However, since it is being filed by a future officer of the City for the benefit of the City, the City would be paying her legal fees. Understanding this stark reality, Britt then felt forced to triple her hourly rate."
Ackerman said, "I'm actually quadrupling it, because I would have to cover any judgment against myself as one of the defendants. Plus, I mean, we're suing a lot of people here."