In an effort to remind voters that he is completely on their side whatever side they might be on, eternally delightful, charming and pulchritudinous leading write-in candidate for mayor, Brendon Etter, today introduced "voter-friendly" position statements.
Campaign spokesperson, legal adviser, and current croquet circuit seasonal points leader, Britt Ackerman, LLC, NRBQ, WMD, described the position statement, "We feel it is important to let voters know that Brendon isn't going to be so close-minded on the issues that matter. He generously has decided to not shut out the voters as so many candidates do when they 'take a stand' or 'decide how they feel' about any issue."
Ackerman followed, "That's just more of the same-old, same-old. The politics of exclusion and egocentric 'leadership.' Why not just tell the people that their beliefs don't matter at all?"
"You go girl!" shouted Etter from his bathroom where he is finishing up a grueling scene that has taken very long to film due to the important nature of the work which will likely determine Etter's innocence in a heated sex scandal.
It is not known as of press time to which "girl" Etter was referring.
Ackerman stressed that it was not important, that the issue at hand concerned Etter's "brilliant sense of open-mindedness and inclusionary practices" that help everyone feel that her candidate's views are his or her own.
"Because they are. Completely."
To illustrate Etter's "fill-in-the-blank, other-centric" position statements, Ackerman presented the assembled reporters with one such recently released paper from the campaign, reprinted here for the reader.
"Position Statement of Brendon Etter, Handsome Write-In Candidate for Mayor of Northfield
Issue: Capital Investment in Northfield Municipal Facilities
As a leading write-in candidate for Mayor of Northfield, I have taken a firm stand on developing a municipal facilities plan that includes as its cornerstone the ______________ of _______ ________ ___________ within _______ years at a ______ of ____________ to the __________ of this __________ . Secondly, Northfield must _______ _________ __________ ______ ________ the very ___________ ___________ _________ and then ________ _______ _________ _________ _________ in a _________ manner. We can also not _________ __________ __________ the ___________ ___________ with respect to _________ __________ __________ ___________ __________ _________ _______ and others who __________ __________ ___________ _______ .
Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor"
"That's leadership by the people! That's a candidate for everyone! Join us, Northfield! Write in Brendon Etter for Mayor!" enthused Ackerman.
Despite repeated knocks on the bathroom door, Etter seemed unavailable to comment.
So was Britt Ackerman LLC, NRBQ, WMD etc. etc., my hero because she is so talented and gets to see you nearly every day, at your house after I left last night? You should have let me stay longer - I wanted to meet her!
I can neither confirm nor deny the accuracy of your completely misleading and misguided accusation / query.
She might be an attorney who happens to be very good at croquet; anything more than that cannot be disclosed.
Also, she may not exist.
Hard to say. Harder to prove. Hardest to believe.
After further review and consideration of your fill-in-the-blank position statement, I'm of the opinion that such a statement may infringe upon the copyrights of Mad Libs. Typically, this potential for legal liability would be of no concern to me, however, given the current political climate we must change our ways of thinking.
I, therefore, hereby give you notice of my Intent to Sue you. Either I will sue you on my own behalf or I will invite Mad Libs to sue you, or both.
You can either (a) pay me a Googol [that's a 1 followed by a hundred zeros] or you can (b) apologize to me.
I've taken the liberty of drafting your apology. You fill in the blanks.
I can't believe I ______ when I _____ you the other night. The way that I ______ your ________ was inexcusable.
I'm very sorry for _______ the ______, but if it makes you feel any better, I was so ________ that I thought I was _________ the _______. Wait, that probably makes you feel worse.
I hope you can accept my apology. Please feel free to share this letter with any of your future potential employers, including ________, __________, and the City of Northfield.
Let's start over with a _______ and a _______ and put this ________ behind us. Or in front of us, if that's how you like it.
Yes! That's the kind of go-get-em attitude you need from your campaign leader!
Apology accepted! I'm also dismissing your Intent to Sue me with prejudice.
Please also draw up a countersuit against yourself that you can file on my behalf, as this clearly does not infringe on Mad Libs. I do not call in any way for specific parts of speech or other parameters which the voters would need to fill-in. Freeing democracy from that tyranny was one of my goals in drafting such position statements.
Let me know when I need to be deposed by you in that lawsuit.
By the way, you only get paid if you win the countersuit. Standard Operating Procedure, I assure you.
5. moldy underwear
ah crap, this Bleeetlib isn't much fun.
But you tried, Henry, you tried.
My lame and pathetic attempt to fill in the blanks:
“Issue: Capital Investment in Northfield Municipal Facilities
As a leading write-in candidate for Mayor of Northfield, I have taken a firm stand on developing a municipal facilities plan that includes as its cornerstone the construction of some houses, some liquor stores, and some banks within a reasonable number of years at a place of honor to the people of this place. Secondly, Northfield must place a premium on being the very place where women and then men can both be placed in an equal manner. We can also not misplace priorities in the other places with respect to houses, streets, banks, liquor stores, grain elevators, mayoral candidates, and others who hate America so much.
Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor"
That made me cry in a not real way. Thank you.
I love what my vision for municipal facilities is according to you.
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