In an effort to remind voters that he is completely on their side whatever side they might be on, eternally delightful, charming and pulchritudinous leading write-in candidate for mayor, Brendon Etter, today introduced "voter-friendly" position statements.
Campaign spokesperson, legal adviser, and current croquet circuit seasonal points leader, Britt Ackerman, LLC, NRBQ, WMD, described the position statement, "We feel it is important to let voters know that Brendon isn't going to be so close-minded on the issues that matter. He generously has decided to not shut out the voters as so many candidates do when they 'take a stand' or 'decide how they feel' about any issue."
Ackerman followed, "That's just more of the same-old, same-old. The politics of exclusion and egocentric 'leadership.' Why not just tell the people that their beliefs don't matter at all?"
"You go girl!" shouted Etter from his bathroom where he is finishing up a grueling scene that has taken very long to film due to the important nature of the work which will likely determine Etter's innocence in a heated sex scandal.
It is not known as of press time to which "girl" Etter was referring.
Ackerman stressed that it was not important, that the issue at hand concerned Etter's "brilliant sense of open-mindedness and inclusionary practices" that help everyone feel that her candidate's views are his or her own.
"Because they are. Completely."
To illustrate Etter's "fill-in-the-blank, other-centric" position statements, Ackerman presented the assembled reporters with one such recently released paper from the campaign, reprinted here for the reader.
"Position Statement of Brendon Etter, Handsome Write-In Candidate for Mayor of Northfield
Issue: Capital Investment in Northfield Municipal Facilities
As a leading write-in candidate for Mayor of Northfield, I have taken a firm stand on developing a municipal facilities plan that includes as its cornerstone the ______________ of _______ ________ ___________ within _______ years at a ______ of ____________ to the __________ of this __________ . Secondly, Northfield must _______ _________ __________ ______ ________ the very ___________ ___________ _________ and then ________ _______ _________ _________ _________ in a _________ manner. We can also not _________ __________ __________ the ___________ ___________ with respect to _________ __________ __________ ___________ __________ _________ _______ and others who __________ __________ ___________ _______ .
Leading Write-In Candidate for Mayor"
"That's leadership by the people! That's a candidate for everyone! Join us, Northfield! Write in Brendon Etter for Mayor!" enthused Ackerman.
Despite repeated knocks on the bathroom door, Etter seemed unavailable to comment.