July 15, 2008

Brendon Etter Is Running for Mayor of Northfield

Dear Citizens of Northfield, Living and/or Dead,

I am announcing today, in this august forum in July, my intention to run for the Mayor of Northfield as a write-in candidate.

I do not wish to play that sly insider's game of officially filing for candidacy. I don't want to waste the five dollars or valuable city staff time. Running as a write-in candidate makes the most sense.

How much sense?

I'm a runner; so running for mayor makes sense. I'm a writer; so a write-in candidacy makes sensier. I once also went on a date with a girl named Candi; so being a candidate makes sensiest.

MY PLATFORM
- More money for everyone!
- More freedom!
- A chicken in every hot tub in every car in every garage!
- More smoky sensuality!
- Capable of listening to stupid things other leaders say!
- Kids eat for free on Thursdays!
- Occasional control of the weather!
- Will build liquor stores everywhere I possibly can!

MY QUALIFICATIONS
- Hardly ever been convicted of anything.
- Great arm from centerfield.
- Smoky sensuality.
- Relatively firm handshake.
- Avoid conflict of interest issues by not being interested in anything.
- No known communicable diseases.
- An ardent, passionate, drooling, erotic lust for helping others.
- Not a complete idiot.

MY SLOGAN
Because the good and bad citizens of this fair city expect so many different things out of their mayor, I find it better to have as many different slogans as possible, depending on who is paying attention. Here are some of them. I will add more as the political winds / events change. I think that's only fair. Some of these were originally posted here.

- Brendon Etter: Mayor-y Me
- Brendon Etter: Less Stupider Than You Might Think
- Brendon Etter: Ribbed, For Your Civic Pleasure
- Brendon Etter: He Knows Things About You Your Vote Might Keep Under Wraps
- Brendon Etter: Probably Fighting Terrorism
- Brendon Etter: He Really Loves You
- Brendon Etter: He's Got A Flexible Plan Of Some Sort
- Brendon Etter: Committed To Xsellents
- Brendon Etter: Against Evil Things
- Brendon Etter: So Smokily Sensual
- Brendon Etter: He's A Candidate
- Brendon Etter: Do You Have Children
- Brendon Etter: w00t w00t

I need a campaign manager and an organizational team. Could someone write some supporting letters to the local newspaper?

If you want to be involved on the Brendon Etter Write-In Candidacy for the Mayor of Northfield 2008 Team, just let me know in the comments section.

What are the issues? What is our approach? Who do we like? Who do we hate? Let me know. I have no idea. I'll listen to anyone, even stupid people, that's how kind I am!

Love and Kisses,
Brendon Etter

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

"I would have written in my vote for you, but I could not get my zipper down." - Whutta Pisser

Jim H. said...

Brendon:

I am fully in support of your write-in campaign. I promise not to do everything I can to help with the campaign, not including any work you might dream up.

I especially like your slogan. And your platform shoes.

OK, just one more slogan idea:

Sensitive, sensible, sensual, sentient: Northfield's better with Etter!

Henry said...

Brendon Etter: Keeping Northfield Better Than Faribault!

Brendon Etter: Will put soft porn on cable access!

Brendon Etter: Will have lunch with the constituents, provided they buy!

"He'd make a great mayor! He's a 'take charge' kind of guy!" - Madame Kitty Spanker

Bleeet said...

You piss ink? Do you wave a Bic Dic?

I think this could be a campaign issue already.

Anyone else experiencing this problem?

Why were pens not provided at the polling place?

Pens not Penis! That's what I say.

Maybe there's a class-action voter discrimination suit here...

I'll ask my legal counsel, Britt Ackerman, LLC, ETC.

Let it be noted that Brendon Etter helps citizens deal with all their zipper-malfunctioning, voting-related hardships.

Bleeet said...

Ahh, thanks Jim and Henry!

That's exactly the kind of "support" this campaign needs!

Love the slogan ideas. Add'em to the pile!

Jim H. said...

Brendon Etter: Patriot

Anonymous said...

Being who he is, namely a "titanic" threat to the religious right", Candidate Etter has become the Northfield version of the anti-somebody. One can only ponder the results. Headline in the local paper, "Pile of ashes found in the middle of Division Street". According to local science experts, it could be described as "the flash burnt remains of a human being, possibly". At the same time, no one can seem to find candidate Etter, nor has anyone seen him for several days. Members of the local "The BIble is Always Right" church have been seen walking around Northfield with a facial expression that can only be described as "gloating". Friends of the missing Mr. Etter can only hope that he is off on one of his well know benders and hasn't seen or heard of this event, thus hasn't stepped forward to refute the claims of the religious right that "We finally got that sucker". However as a unbiased observer, it could also be that Mr. Etter was "raptured" and can presently be found in heaven or nirvana, or whoever turns out to be ultimately right in the great game of religion. In any case, this writer wishes Mr. Etter well, wherever he is.
God Speed Man!

Anonymous said...

Hey, the campaign has started!

Check out BrendonForMayor.com!

The official campaign headquarters!

Bleeet said...

It's the bomb and the shizzle!

I don't even know what 'the shizzle' is, but that's what it is!

Triplew00t to its mighty-fine designer!

Yeah, that's right, you heard me... w00tw00tw00t!!!

Just need some buttons, bumper sticker, lawn signs and maybe a t-shirt or two!