February 1, 2008

Why Is America So Fat?

1. Because Maryland just won't stop eating.

2. The country just sits around on its Texas butt all day, incapable of even getting up off the Mexico to change the channel.

3. Unsuccessful attempt to lose a few states in the 1860s still lingering painfully in its subconscious, creating a sense of hopelessness.

4. High-calorie laws cheaper and easier to pass.

5. Uses its financial resources to pay other countries to fight its wars.

6. Hides excess crops in dresser drawer "just in case".

7. Psychological stress has only increased since the country saw a reflection in the Pacific Ocean of its huge Louisiana Purchass.

8. Eats up just about any garbage the rest of the world throws its way.

9. Spends most days imperialistically consuming entire countries without even reading the ingredients.

10. Economic binge/purge cycle leaves country unsatisfied, seeks guaranteed caloric solace.

11. Diet regulations work for a couple months but then leave it more heavily regulated than when it started.

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