1. Call up all my favorite Presidents. Ask them to come over for gumdrops and air hockey.
2. Stuff a few Presidents' Day turkeys with firecrackers, wrap in brightly colored paper, dress up as a President, knock on doors at night, light firecrackers and throw one of these gifts into house, shouting "Trick!"
3. Pardon the dog.
4. Pay respects to dead Presidents by digging them up to say "Thank you."
5. Sign my kids' report cards, but append numerous signing statements to render bad grades defunct.
6. Invade the homes of much weaker neighbors. Occupy. Teach them the benefits of my absolute democracy.
7. Whip up a batch of my famous Presidential Creamed Wieners.
8. Assert a few "executive privileges" at the local singles bar.
9. Rejoice in the glorious diversity of all the old, upper-class, white men who have been President.
10. Escape to Canada to avoid the massive crowds at the malls.
11. Eat a big helping of impeach cobbler.
12. Repeatedly call the army. Ask: "Are you ready? You sure? Like super-ready, or just regular-ready?"
13. Implore local, regional and national leaders to designate the day before or the day after Presidents' Day as Vice-Presidents' Day, to remember and honor their service as the most significant insignificant human on the planet.
14. Call work, distraught. Tell boss I need the whole week off because I just heard about what happened to President Lincoln and President Kennedy and President McKinley and that other guy.