February 25, 2008

Amazing Facts You Never Could Have Known

1. Elephants can't jump as they find it undignified.

2. An oyster can change its sex once every seven days making for some very awkward mornings after drunken one-night stands.

3. Eagles are capable of killing small deer and carrying the body away, especially eagles with guns and trucks.

4. Ants will always fall to the right when intoxicated. This is because an ant's ass is on its right.

5. Female rabbits can mate within twelve hours of giving birth; male rabbits can mate during birth.

6. Elephants can't jump, but they can hover in place six inches off the ground.

7. 73% of of 70-year old men are still capable of impregnating a fertile woman. A very desperate fertile woman.

8. The Venus de Milo originally had arms, but thought them too flabby and had them removed by a plastic surgeon.

9. Human babies have about 300 bones at birth, but, due to heavy market demand, end their lives with only 206. Unless they die really, really young, or aren't motivated sellers.

10. Baby robins eat 14 feet of earthworms each day, which explains why earthworms don't have feet.

11. Banging your head against the wall for an hour burns about 150 calories. Banging someone else's head against the wall for an hour burns considerably more and is a lot of fun.

12. Elephants can't jump because they are so fucking fat.

13. If Barbie were human, her measurements would assure her a lifetime of lewd conduct and groping from men.

14. Coca-Cola does not reduce male sperm count unless you ejaculate directly into an open can.

15. Elephants can't jump. Alright. Fine! You know you don't have to keep harping on it. They're beautiful creatures in their own right; you don't have to keep expecting them to live up to the standards of other animals. Lay off! I'd like to see a kangaroo tear down a tree, or a hare that can live for 80 years, or an antelope that can carry thousands of pounds. Just stop ripping into elephants because they can't fucking jump! Okay?! Besides, hovering six inches off the ground is totally awesome!


Anonymous said...

I guess you never saw a baby elephant (that was provoked) jump in the wild then. According to my extensive 10 second research, "We talked to a bunch of elephant experts and none of them has ever seen an elephant jump. Most think it is physiologically impossible for a mature elephant to jump, although baby elephants have been known to do so, if provoked." taken from: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/12/28/earlyshow/leisure/books/main663454.shtml

Also, wasn't Venus' surgeon a marble surgeon? Too bad, because if she had arms, maybe her clothes wouldn't be falling off because she could pull them back up...

Brendon Etter said...

Any elephant can jump, provided the voltage of the trunk clamp is high enough.

And, no, it was a plastic surgeon. I asked around. Guy's still in business.