1. I believe that women should not be given the freedom of reproductive, inductive, deductive or seductive choice.
2. I believe taxes may only be used for defending our great nation against all enemies, or ideas of enemies, or ideas toward which I have enmity.
3. I believe the Bible should be allowed in public schools; in fact, all public schools should be constructed out of Bibles.
4. I believe your patriotism is directly proportional to the size of your truck.
5. I believe all people should be able to arm themselves heavily and sit quietly in their homes. Waiting. Always waiting.
6. I believe you wouldn't object to the government's Thought Projection Brain Interceptor chip unless you had something to hide.
7. I believe it's patriotic to agree with the President provided the President is conservative.
8. I believe in absolute freedom for everyone who knows I can be the only one to have absolute freedom.
9. I believe war is fucking awesome.