February 8, 2008

I Shall Construct an Unstoppable Superbeing Out of Chocolate Ice Cream!

They have foiled my schemes for the last time. I have been too nice. Too nice.

Never again will they be able to look aside and snicker when I enter the room. I will be noticed. I will be respected. I will be feared. I will be worshiped! I will be their downfall!

I will be the destroyer of all!

This time, this time, they've tangled with me one time too many. This time.

I will devise a plan for their demise. A device, a weapon. Yes, a weapon. No, a robot!

A robot that cannot be destroyed. It should appear harmless. It must be something that they would not suspect, even something that they would admire.

Something like a stereo, or a computer. No. Too complicated. All those circuits and gears to mechanize an appliance.

No, no... it must be... not a robot. Not a robot at all. Too mechanical. Not tricky at all. Robots never really appear harmless. Plus, I'm not good with screwdrivers and electricity.

Everyone suspects a robot.

What was I thinking?

It has to be something... something organic. Yes.

Something that can be animated by a mere encounter with excessive gamma radiation. Something that will come to life. That will be irresistible but invincible.

And... and... yes! Yes! I've got it! Something they want for themselves. Something they would even eat!

A cupcake, or tater tot, or... hah! Chocolate ice cream!

I will, nay... I shall construct an unstoppable superbeing out of chocolate ice cream.

Gamma rays... gamma rays... ah, right! Under my bed. That's where I left them!

Now... the ice cream. To the freezer!

The plan is too perfect. I shall leave unconquerable bowls of animated chocolate ice cream all over town!

On street corners!
In public bathrooms!
In study hall!
The locker room!

My evil foes will find it, and quickly consume it. But! The joke shall be on them. Or, in them!

My chocolate ice cream superbeing will, on my command, come to life and destroy my enemies from within!

It will quickly shred them from the inside with its sugary malevolence.

Note: I must remember to leave spoons in the bowls.

And, now, the ice cream... to begin the animation procedure...

Huh? What?! Oh no! No! No!!! Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Where's the chocolate ice cream? There was a whole carton here this morning!

What? What party? She did not! No!

I need that ice cream, Mom! I can't believe you let Cindy take it to her stupid slumber party!

What? Are you crazy?! Do you not even realize...?

No! Yes, I see it, but... no! No! No, Mom!

Because vanilla just won't work, that's why!!

Oh, despair. When will the torment end?

Okay... okay... patience. I must be patient. Keep your eyes on the goal. This is a small setback.

For now. For now, I must retreat to my lair.

I can wait.

I can wait.

I... can... wait.


Jim H. said...

The Trojan Bowl!

Brendon Etter said...

Imagine its devastating ultra superpower if it had radiated hot fudge topping!

Or caramel!