February 5, 2008

There Oughta Be a Law!

I believe the world would be a better place if we enacted some common sense legislation.

A few of my proposals:

1. Canada geese mate monogamously, pairing up at sexual maturity and never deviating from their choice of partner. People must also mate with only one goose for life.

2. Roofs are hereby required to face the sky.

3. Vehicles must have blinking quotation marks around both the left and right indicator lights to clarify when the driver is kidding about making a turn, or when the driver does make a turn but in an ironic manner.

4. We will get rid of prisons, and instead require violent criminals to have highly-visible Surgeon General's warnings tattooed to their faces. For example: "Caution: Prolonged exposure to this individual may result in repeated stabbing and/or strangulation."

5. All automatic doors must open fast enough to allow people to enter without altering their walking pace or, failing that, they must be able to teleport you to the other side of the door safely.

6. Use of the word "incent" as a verb is punishable by immediate, gross, public capital punishment.

7. Gerbils are no longer allowed to drive, alone or in teams. Porpoises may still drive scooters, but only under forty miles per hour.


Jim H. said...

Be prepared, Brendon, for a gerbil backlash. Even now, when your law is only a proposal, the gerbils are builing tiny airplanes.

Brendon Etter said...

Bring it on, you little furry fuckers!