Enter The Naked Woman
Cast:
Nick - late-20s
Ed - late-40s
Amy - mid-20s
Setting: Nice restaurant.
(Lights up, Nick and Ed sit at a well-appointed restaurant table, looking over fancy menus)
Nick: So much to choose from. What doesn't this place offer?
Ed: I've heard the food is tremendous.
Nick: Really, thanks for taking me here, Ed.
Ed: Nothing but the best for our newest junior partner.
Nick: Thank you.
Ed: Hey, Nick, you don't need to keep thanking me, you've earned this.
Nick: Still, it's...
Ed: Nice, yeah, I know, but so many other nice things are going to start coming your way now. Get used to it, buddy. I've got to find the little boys' room.
(leaves)
Nick: (looking around a bit, then back to his menu, shakes head lightly, gives a little laugh, then says to himself) Yeah... I could definitely get used to this.
(Enter Amie, a very attractive woman, completely nude, more-than-adequately endowed, she pulls up to the table, she speaks English very well with a slight French lilt. It is imperative to the play that Amie does not notice her own nudity, nor is she actually trying to be sexual at any point.)
Amie: Good evening, sir, my...
(Nick picks his head out of his menu, and nearly falls out of his chair in shock)
Amie: (grabbing Nick's shoulders to steady him) Oh, monsieur, are you okay?
Nick: (completely lost) Uhhh.... uhhhh...
Amie: My name is Amie, I will be your server for the evening, would you care for anything to drink before your meal?
Nick: (trying his best to look at only her face, but actually can't force his gaze any lower than a spot about 4 feet above Amie's head) Uhhhhh... uhh... wa... water would be... I need, uhhh... water would be... water.
Amie: Water. Of course, sir. (she starts to exit, then turns around) Pardon, sir, would your boyfriend like some water too?
Nick: Yes... uhhh... he... oh wait, umm, he's not my boyfriend. He's actually sort of my, uhhh, my boss at work
Amie: Yes, sir. Would your boss friend like some water too?
Nick: Just... ummm... yes. Water for him too.
Amie: Right away, waters for the boyfriends.
(she exits)
Nick: (calling after her, but quietly) Just friends... friends.
(Nick gets up, still very much stunned, and starts heading toward the bathroom just as Ed re-enters)
Ed: (striding toward the table) Hey, guy. Bathroom? (Nick nods) That way. (points him toward the bathrooms) You okay? (Nick has already started heading off to the bathrooms and doesn't respond, Ed sits, look at his menu)
(Amie re-enters, carrying a crystal carafe of ice water and two glasses)
Amie: (putting down the glasses) Hello, sir, your boyfr...
(Ed pulls his nose out of the menu, jumps backward out of his seat upon seeing Amie, Amie startles at his reaction, splashes some ice water on her chest)
Amie: Mon dieu! Pardon, pardon me, sir... sorry to have surprised you... ohh, look at me, I've spilled your water... and all over myself too.
Ed: Ummm... miss... do you realize that you... uhhh...
Amie: I am now so wet? Yes. One thousand apologies for my clumsiness, sir.
Ed: But...
Amie: Have I made you wet too, sir?
Ed: No! No! I'm fine, I'm fine... Ummm...
Amie: I promise to make it up to you in any manner, sir.
Ed: Uhhh...
Amie: I must dry myself. I will get a fresh tablecloth for you and your boyfriend, sir.
Ed: No, don't worry, the tablecloth is fi... Wait. Nick? Ohhh, he's not my boyfriend.
Amie: Yes, sir.
Ed: He's my new partner.
Amie: Yes, sir. This word works also.
Ed: Ummm... can you... ahhh...
Amie: Yes, sorry, I will be back shortly. There is a towel in the kitchen.
(Amie exits, Ed stands up, the spilled water has landed all over his lap. He fans out his pants for a while, Nick re-enters and sits, Ed turns at just this moment to hide his wet pants from Nick, starts exiting)
Nick: Did she bring... Ed?
Ed: (as he exits, muttering) Bathroom.
Nick: (looks at his menu, and toward the kitchen over and over again, mumbles) Bizarre...
(Amie re-enters, dried off, with a fresh carafe of ice water)
Amie: Ohh, your boyfriend has left?
Nick: Bathroom.
Amie: (pouring water for Nick) I'm afraid I must have embarrassed him. He was there and jumped, and it made me very wet.
Nick: (coughs) Oh.
Amie: The chef's assistant was able to help with that. Now, I am ready.
Nick: You know, uhhh... I believe I would actually like something from the bar before... before I order.
Amie: Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Nick: (eyes slipping down to Amie's crotch, back up quickly) Uhh, three fingers of Glenlivet, straight up.
(He holds up three fingers, pressed together, she looks at the fingers, he looks at her crotch then his fingers, quickly pulls his hand down)
Nick: I mean, you know, just... uhhh... that much.
(He holds his thumb and index finger about two inches apart, Amie looks at it, then him, he again realizes the potential significance, withdraws his hand)
Nick: Make it a large.
Amie: Gladly. Is there anything else you desire, sir?
Nick: (squeaky voice) No, no... just the scotch... a lot of... scotch.
Amie: Are you okay, sir? Your voice.
Nick: (trying to clear his throat, forcing out a normal voice) Ha! No... no... long day at work, I guess.
Amie: With your boyfriend?
Nick: Yes... no... my boss, yes, my boss... Nick.
Amie: Yes, your boyfriend boss.
Nick: No, see, he is not my boyfriend... not my boyfriend...
Amie: Ohhh... of course, I do not mean... I mean only he is a boy, and he is your friend...
Nick: Oh, yeah... I guess that's... uhh...
Amie: Like I have many girlfriends... but I do not date girls...
Nick: Yes, yes, like that, I mean, with Ed and me... we are boy-friends in that way...
Amie: I wish I had boyfriends...
Nick: Uhhh... surely you must... working here in... (indicating her state of undress, then catching himself) in such a nice restaurant.
Amie: Sad, but no... many of the men I service are gay... with their boyfriends...
Nick: (reacting way too loudly and quickly) Not me! Nope, not me!
Amie: Of course.
Nick: (way too eager) No!! No!! I like girls!! I really, really like girls!!
(he eagerly moves about in his seat, but does so in such a jerking manner as to tip the chair over backward, slamming his head onto the hard floor, grabs the back of his head)
Nick: Oww!
Amie: (coming to his side, kneeling by his head) Sir! Sir! Please let me help you.
Nick: I'm alright! I'm okay!
(embarrassedly tries to roll out of the chair, Amie holds him there)
Amie: Please stay, sir.
(She grabs one of the linen napkins from the table, leans forward, which effectively freezes Nick completely as her breasts hang very close to his face. She tends to the back of his head with the napkin)
Amie: Oh, sir, you are bleeding. There is a towel in the kitchen.
(she gets up and exits)
Nick: (rolling out of the chair now, to Amie as she exits) I'm okay... okay, really... I think I'll just clean up...
(starts to exit, almost running over Ed in the process, who is fanning his crotch a few more times)
Ed: Whoa... everything alright, buddy?
Nick: (continuing off without stopping) Yes. Bathroom.
(exits)
Ed: (sitting down) Popular place.
(Amie re-enters, carrying a towel)
Amie: Where did he go?
Ed: Bathroom. Is everything okay?
Amie: Yes, sir. I tried to help him, but as soon as I touched his head it spurted all over my hand.
Ed: Ummmm...
Amie: I went to get the towel to help him, but he has come and gone again.
Ed: Again?
Amie: Well, perhaps I will help him with his head later.
Ed: Head?
Amie: I was trying to help with my hand, but I am always blowing such things.
Ed: Always?
Amie: I hope he will forgive me.
Ed: Ummmm....... I wouldn't worry about that.
Amie: My boss tells me it's most important to make sure customers respect me, then they will respect my service and the restaurant.
Ed: I'm sure Nick will respect you just the same.
Amie: I hope so. Would you like anything to drink, something from the bar, before you order, sir?
Ed: Just a milk. (panic) Whiskey! Whiskey! A whiskey. Make it a quadruple.
Amie: What brand, sir?
Ed: Who's available? (panic) What! What! What's available!
Amie: (at his side, opening his menu and pointing out the whiskey selection, leaning over Ed's shoulder, her breast touching his shoulder, Ed is only able to focus on this point of contact) Well, we have this selection here. I would recommend the Jameson, sir, authentic Irish whiskey, very distinctive flavor.
Ed: (trying to focus) That sounds very nipple.
Amie: (standing up) Excuse me, sir?
Ed: Breasts?
Amie: (genuinely confused as to what could be causing this) Sir?
Ed: (snapping out of it) Yes! Yes! I said yes! I just said... yes... I...
Amie: The Jameson, sir? On the rocks?
Ed: (shifting uncomfortably in his seat) Straight up... straight.
Amie: Right away, sir.
(she exits)
(Ed stands up carefully, slightly hunched over, he walks toward the bathroom, sees Nick coming toward him, does a quick turn so Nick sees his back, pretends to look at something)
Nick: Hey, Ed.
(As soon as Nick is pulling even with Ed, Ed turns back and continues walking to the bathroom)
Ed: Nick.
(Nick sits down, still checking the back of his head, Amie enters with the two drinks)
Amie: Hello, sir, how was the head?
Nick: Fine, fine...
Amie: Did it leak more in the bathroom.
Nick: No, no, not really, just a small bump, a cut... I'll be fine.
Amie: That is good news, sir.
Nick: Was something wrong with Ed?
Amie: I don't know, sir. He said he wanted it straight up; so I left, and now he is gone.
Nick: (as she sets his drink down) That's a lot of scotch.
Amie: You asked for a large, sir.
Nick: Yes, so I did.
Amie: (she sets Ed's drink down) He has ordered a quadruple. That is a very rare request as well.
Nick: I'm sure.
Amie: Would you like to order a first course now, sir?
Nick: Ummm... I think I will wait until my friend returns.
Amie: Certainly, sir.
(she exits)
(Nick watches after her, looks around, surreptitiously walks toward where Amie exited, peaks around the corner, looks for a few seconds, Ed re-enters, stops)
Ed: Nick?
Nick: (jumping back) Ed. Hi... yes... (walking back to the table) just checking out the menu. Lots of great food!
(Nick sits down, Ed also with a suspicious look toward Amie's exit)
Ed: Yes. Tons of great fare, all first class.
Nick: You've never eaten here before, though?
Ed: No, it comes very highly recommended.
Nick: Right.
Ed: (confessionally) And... you can't really argue with the service, huh?
Nick: (a sigh of relief) No kidding? What is up with our waitress?
Ed: No idea.
Nick: Unbelievable.
Ed: I had heard that the service was amazing, but this?
Nick: It's almost... awkward...
Ed: She sounds French, perhaps it's a cultural thing?
Nick: Well, then I'm now a huge fan of French cuisine.
Ed: And pretty much anything else of French origin.
Nick: I believe I will be back here frequently.
Ed: I'm right with you.
Nick: She said we are supposed to be picking out our first course now.
Ed: Well, I know one thing that I'd like right away!
Nick: I'd save it for dessert.
(they are laughing as Amie re-enters, fully-clothed in formal waitress style)
Amie: Bonjour, gentlemen.
(Ed and Nick are shocked, speechless)
Amie: Have you decided upon a first course?
Ed: Uhhh...
Nick: Well...
Ed: We haven't been... ummm...
(a lightbulb flashes on for Nick)
Nick: Let me see, just check in the menu... (instead of picking up his own menu, he reaches across the table and picks up Ed's, and very obviously knocks the whiskey into Ed's lap with the menu) Whoops!
Ed: (jumping back, standing up) Hey! What? Crap...
Amie: Oh, sir, let me help you, there is a towel in the kitchen!
(she exits)
Nick: Sorry! Sorry, Ed! Better go clean that up in the bathroom...
(Ed fans his crotch again)
Ed: I can't believe you... aggghhh...
(Ed stomps off toward bathroom)
Nick: (calling after him) Use the air dryer. Sorry, man!
(sits back)
Nick: (to himself, quietly, head tilted up, eyes closed) Please work, please work, please work, please, please, please, please, please....
(Nick continues like this until Amie re-enters, totally nude again, carrying a towel)
Nick: (muttering triumphantly to himself) Yes!
Amie: Ohh... where has he gone?
Nick: (a big smile crossing his face) I think he's getting a blow job in the bathroom.
Amie: But I could have got it off with this towel.
(Nick now "accidentally" dumps his own drink in his lap)
Amie: Oh, sir!
Nick: (looking at Amie) Darn.
(she moves toward his lap with the towel)
(lights out)
(end)
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