Setting: Table at a restaurant.
Sonja: Then what?
Kristin: We went back to his place!
S: My my!
K: Yes yes!
S: So fast!
K: No. Nice and slow.
S: Tell me about it.
K: First of all... outside of the general amazing beauty... he lives in the McMillan Commons!
K: Seriously! I love that building!
S: Who doesn't? He must be loaded?
K: Uhhh yeah! I'm not sure what kind of car he drives, because we were driven there by his chauffeur!
S: Oh my God! No way!
K: Rolls-Royce... stretch!
K: I love British cars!
K: Ohhh yeah! Rolls Royce... I capital-L Love that car!
S: Is he in a penthouse?
K: Fifty stories up... or should I say fifty, fifty-one, and fity-two stories up.
S: A three-story penthouse?!
K: The fifty-second floor is all his own, it's all glass. He has a view of the entire city!
S: All glass?
K: You can see everything... including the entire harbor.
K: I capital-L-O LOve huge views of the harbor!
S: I thought you were afraid of boats?
K: Being in them, but not seeing them from that far... Totally LOve seeing them in the distance... capital-L-O!
S: Right... so, what else?
K: He takes me into this little room, completely dark, warm, smells weird, right, and I think he's going tear off my clothes, but then he turns on these, like, ultraviolet lights or something, and I see these huge lizards and snakes all over the place!
K: Everywhere, the room is like this really long hall way, and there are these snakes and lizards in all these little glass rooms... I means it's like a reptile zoo...
S: Weird... he collects these?
K: Once I get over the smell, I realize how romantic these animals are.
K: Very, now I'm just completely in capital-L-O-V LOVe with reptiles.
S: You hate snakes.
K: Well, that was sort of just small-h hate, you know?
S: Ummm... okay... so what does lizardboy do next?
K: Well, duh... the bedroom.
S: Ooooo... goodie goodie... how was it?
K: Well... let's just say that it was not what I expected.
K: It was better!
S: What happened?
K: Well, it was all pretty normal, until he pulled the boa constrictor out from under the bed and wrapped it around me while...
K: ...while he came... he said it was the hottest thing in the world...
S: You're joking... right?
K: I passed out, but he managed to revive me, which is so erotic!
S: The snake... it crushed you?!
K: Not crushed... just a couple ribs... and I had the most amazing orgasm...
S: Holy shit, Kristin! This freak could have killed you!
K: In a way, he did! When he was bandaging me up, he explained how the orgasm was the little death, and the snake crushing the air from my lungs was the big death... that the two together were as close as humans could get to seeing God.
S: Kristin! You have to turn this guy in!
K: Are you kidding? I totally Capital-L-O-V-E LOVE asphyxiation by enormous reptiles... it's so capital-S Sexy!
S: Capital-N-O NO, Kristin! You don't love it at all... you love this guy's body, and his wealth, but you don't love that!
K: Relax, relax! I'm not going out with him again.
S: Oh. You're... you're not?
K: Come on, Sonja. I may be stupid, but I'm not capital-S Stupid.
S: Thank God.
K: Besides, I don't date dead men.
K: Well, we went at it again later that night, and he got the snake again, but it wrapped around him instead.
S: Oh my God! His snake killed him?
K: I tried to get it off, but I... was sort of... occupied...
S: Oh my God! This is horrible!
K: Not really. I mean, right after he died, I had, like, a Capital-O Orgasm.
(Sonja gags, lights out abruptly)