How Does That Feel?
Cast:
Itar, The Mad Scientist
Bill
Setting: A secret underground lair. Test tubes, dry ice, heads in jars, Jacob's ladders, boiling fluids, bad smells, all things secret underground lair-y.
(Lights up on grim scene. Itar stands behind huge control panel, Bill stands with a ridiculous number of cables, antennae, straps, wires, patches, etc... on his nearly naked body.)
Itar: (madly adjusting controls, pressing a huge button on the wall behind him, lights flicker, a whiff of ozone, buzzing sounds, etc... then lights up full and all returns to calm, speaking in a hilariously evil accent) Now, William, how did that make you feel?
Bill: (very cheery) Please, please, call me Bill.
I: No!
B: Or Fritz!
I: No!
B: Everyone calls me Fritz.
I: I am not everyone!
B: No, you're not. You're exceptional! I mean, look at this place!
I: If I won't call you Bill, why would I call you Fritz?
B: Good point, good point.
I: (very grand, over-the-top, and loud) I believe that our true names can erase our soul!!
(Lights flash, amplified laughter, thunder and lightning)
B: Whoa! How'd you do that?!
I: Practice.
B: Amazing, 'cuz we're underground, and there was lightning and everything, wow!
I: Yes, well, I pay extra to have that pumped in.
B: You are really something!
I: Thank you.
B: Does this place have cable?
I: Of course.
B: Which plan are you on?
I: (again ovr-the-top) I get over five thousand channels!!
(lights flash, lighning and thunder, etc...)
B: Outstanding!
I: I get soap operas in Aztecian.
B: That is just too much!
I: Enough!!
(lights, thunder, etc...)
B: Right! Sorry! I do like to chit-chat! Ummm... caramel.
I: What?
B: You asked how it made me feel.
I: Caramel?
B: I felt like I was chewing caramel.
I: Uhhh-huhh (poised over his clipboard, long pause) Is that with a "K"?
B: Caramel? No, a "C".
I: Oh, like "cute" or "carcinogenic".
B: You got it.
I: What is caramel?
B: Like a chewy candy.
I: Candy?
B: Uhhh... sweet food, sugar mostly, taste good, bad for you.
I: You were supposed to feel your soul being inverted.
B: No, it was just kinda this caramel taste.
I: So, instead of your metaphysical sense of self eating itself whole, you tasted this chewy... (consults clipboard) candy?
B: Well, I'm an optimist by nature.
I: That shouldn't matter.
B: Naturally, I think it should. I am an optimist, after all.
I: You're supposed to be dead inside now.
B: Well, I guess I just really like caramel.
I: You're not lying to me?
B: And mess with the progress of science?
I: MAD Science!!
(lights, etc...)
B: (regarding the special effects) Still gets me! So cool.
I: This candy? You say it tastes very good, but it's bad for you?
B: Oh yeah! But people still eat it.
I: If I offered this service to people, do you think they would become addicted to this candy force?
B: Sure, some. But it'd just make them fat and unhealthy, lose a few teeth, I suppose.
I: Eventually though, the candy would replace their souls?
B: I'm not sure how that process would work. Maybe a few people.
I: Curses! (small light flash and thunder) I need to assemble a massive army of soulless killing machines!
B: Hmmm... yeah, that's a big goal.
I: But maybe I... (paces, looks down at control panel, studies it) Wait just a minute... I... ohh... Itar, how stupid you are! What is wrong with me!? Stupid! Stupid!
B: Hey now! I don't think they let stupid people become mad scientists!
(lightning, thunder, lights flash, stc...)
B: Awesome! I did that!
I: I had the sugar dial turned up way too high!
B: Ahhh! And so the caramel taste!
I: Just a quick adjustment here, bear with me.
B: You do whatever it takes to be a success!
I: There!
B: Good work!
I: Now, this time you will certainly lose your very soul!
B: You go, boy!
I: Any last words?
B: Let'er rip, my friend!
(big button is pushed, full special effects, lights return, all quiets down, pause)
I: Now, how did that feel?
B: Uhhhh...
I: (sinister laugh, triumphant) It works! It works!
B: Uhhh... (shakes head) Wow! Now that was weird... sort of parsnip-y.
I: Nooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(lights out, lightning and thunder)
(end)
No comments:
Post a Comment