Pants Off
Cast:
Mullen
Xavier
Setting: Bare stage
Mullen: (entering, spots Xavier) You must be Xavier. (extending hand) Mullen.
Xavier: (shaking hands) You don't have to tell me your name, everyone knows you, Mr. Itova!
M: Thanks... I wish that were true, and then I also wish it weren't.
X: Right.
M: Anyway, Xavier. I've been hearing a lot about you, young man. They say you've got what we need.
X: I hope so.
M: Alright. So first thing I'm going to want you to do is take off your pants.
X: What?
M: Take off your pants.
X: I take off my pants in this commercial?
M: No, no, of course not.
X: Ohh.
M: (pause) Okay, so take off your pants now.
X: But, I thought you said...
M: Take off our pants? I did.
X: But...
M: So, take off your pants.
X: I'm not sure I know...
M: How to take off your pants? Start by unbuckling that belt and then...
X: No, No... I mean, I know how to take off my pants, I meant...
M: Great, take them off then.
X: I meant, I'm not sure why...
M: You have to take off your pants? I don't know why.
X: Ummm... okay...
M: Just take them off.
X: But Mr. Itova...
M: Call me Mullen.
X: Mullen...
M: We're friends here.
X: Right.
M: And friends let friends take off their pants.
X: Okay... I mean... why?
M: Don't know. You're just supposed to take off your pants.
X: Did someone else tell you that I was supposed to take off my pants?
M: No, no... I'm in charge here.
X: So, you want me to...
M: Take off your pants.
X: To take off my pants...
M: Right, get them off.
X: Even though I don't take them off in the commercial?
M: Nope, not at all.
X: And you don't know why I have to take off my pants...
M: No, can't say as I do.
X: Even though you are directing this commercial?
M: Yes I am.
X: I'm really confused, Mr... uhh... Mullen.
M: Me too.
X: So maybe I should leave my pants on.
M: Oh no, you definitely need to take your pants off.
X: But why?
M: Ummmmm.... how about we try this differently?
X: Okay.
M: Okay.
X: (long pause) Uhhh... what are we...
M: Hey, Xavier.
X: Hi.
M: Take off your pants, please.
X: Wait, wait, wait... you said we should try this differently.
M: I did... I said "please."
X: Isn't this a commercial for frozen peas?
M: Yes. That's it.
X: So... why do I need to take my pants off?
M: You know I don't know the answer to that.
X: So, if there's no reason for me to take off my pants, maybe I should not take my pants off.
M: Maybe.
X: Okay.
M: Now, take off your pants.
X: No!
M: You won't take off your pants.
X: No, I'm keeping them on.
M: Weird.
X: What's weird about that. You said that I don't have to take them off for this commercial.
M: Right.
X: That you didn't know why I should take my pants off.
M: No idea.
X: So...
M: (long pause) You know what?
X: What?
M: Just remembered something.
X: What?
M: (calling off) Candy!
X: Candy?
M: Frozen peas. With Candy.
(In walks a gorgeous woman wearing a too-small bra, a tiny pair of thong panties, and stilleto heels)
M: Candy will be co-starring in this commercial.
X: Uhhh...
M: It wasn't that you were supposed to take your pants off at all...
X: Really?
M: That's why I was so confused. You weren't supposed to take your pants off.
X: Uhhh... okay...
M: Candy is supposed to take your pants off for you, once the camera starts rolling.
X: Ohhh....
(Candy starts walking toward Xavier)
X: Maybe I could help her?
(lights out as Candy starts to undo Xavier's belt, large smile starts breaking out on his face)
(end)
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