December 1, 2006

A Play A Day #232

Bible Cold


Setting: A small cafe.

(Steve is sitting at a table for two, blowing on his hands, Eddie enters bundled up in large coat, hat, mittens, scarf, etc...)

Eddie: Phhewwww! Damn! Is it ever cold out there!

Steve: Yeah, pretty bad today. Could hit thirty below tonight.

E: (taking his layers off) I heard! I heard!

S: Insane.

E: It's like... bible cold outside! (continues as before)

S: What?

E: Like bible cold, damn.

S: "Bible cold", Eddie?

E: (sitting down) Yeah.

S: Bible?

E: Yeah, haven't you ever heard that expression?

S: No. Never have.

E: Weird. I thought everyone knew that one.

S: No.

E: Okay. So what's good to eat here?

S: Wait. Could you, you know, explain... the bible thing?

E: Sure, sure... it refers to that story in the bible where the Lord froze the world to get rid of all the bad people.

S: You mean flooded... Noah's Ark, and all that.

E: No. Froze the world... he spoke to Gok and Gok's wife, Gek, and told them to gather two of every animal...

S: That was Noah and...

E: So, Gok and Gek gathered the animals two by two and killed the furriest ones and then lived in an enormous cave, which they wrapped in furs to keep out the Lord's icy wrath. They had a lot of furs. It was at this time, among other things, that the first flush toilet was invented.

S: I've never... wait, toilet?

E: Yeah, most people think it was Gok's idea, but Gek actually built it.

S: Where is this story in the bible?

E: About in the middle somewhere.

S: What book of the bible?

E: Oh... uhhh... book of Bert, I think...

S: Comes right before the book of Ernie, I suppose?

E: There's no book of Ernie.

S: There's no book of Bert either.

E: Oh yeah, near the middle.

S: Eddie, there's no book of Bert.

E: Have you ever even read the bible, Steve?

S: Well, parts of it, enough to know there's no book of Bert, and God never froze the world with two people in a fur-lined cave to carry on the species.

E: Sure did. It's all in there.

S: No. It's not, okay?!

E: They had to hide in the cave, because God so hated the world that he sent his only daughter to kill and destroy everything she...

S: What?!

E: In her defense, she was actually nicer than Jesus, but she was older; so God looked to her as more of the enforcer in the family.

S: God's daughter?

E: His only daughter.

S: Riiiighhht.

E: Mindy.

S: Mindy?

E: Mindy. That woman could smite, I'll tell you that.

S: Min-dee?

E: Smite, smate, smote!

S: What are you talking about?!

E: Well, to be fair, she had forty or fifty legions of robot soldiers that helped with the whole eradication procedure.

S: Robot...

E: Lots of laser deaths before the big freeze.

S: I don't know what to say.

E: Mindy and the 'bots destroyed most of the humans, and the freeze got the rest and all the animals that weren't in the cave.

S: Sure, Gok and Gek.

E: Who actually ended up killing an enormous number of species for food and shelter... and some just for fun... before they realized that God had a huge pantry in the cave that He had stocked with tons of food and beer and stuff.

S: Why don't we order and...

E: Needless to say, they were a little embarrased.

S: ... change the subject?

E: God was soooo pissed! He was all like: (in big, booming God voice) "Why can't I leave a man and woman alone on that planet without them seriously screwing up?! I mean, am I overreacting here, or should I take this personally; because that's how it feels, Medamnit!?"

S: Yeah... say...

E: In the book of Wanda, it talks about how God just totally reamed Gok a new one for killing all those animals.

S: ... can you just keep your voice down?

E: And that's why people have assholes... because Gok and Gek screwed up...

S: Ahhh, listen...

E: So we shit now because it's how God reminds us of what those two did.

S: ... please... I ...

E: You've heard people say, "I gotta gok"? That's where it's from.

S: ... no, none of this is true...

E: Technically, men gok, women gek, but usually both men and women say "gok"; because it was really more of Gok's fault.

S: ... this is all lies!

E: No, no, really happened. We're all descended from Gok and Gek, the first assholes.

S: Stop! Stop! That is not in the bible!

E: Whoa... keep your voice down.

S: There's no such thing as Mindy and robot armies and fur caves and Gok and Gek and stocked pantries or Bert or Wanda or new assholes or "bible cold"! There just isn't!

E: Hey, at least I've actually read the whole thing, Steve; you ain't got much to stand on here.

S: Fine! I'll read the damn bible!

E: Cool, then you'll know all this stuff cold. Bible cold.

S: I doubt it. It's not there, but I'll read the whole thing just to prove how wrong you are.

E: Okay, okay... just make sure you get the 2006 edition.

S: What... 2006?

E: Almost seven hundred pages of updates and fourteen new books! Full color photos... I got a first edition signed by Mindy herself!

S: (hanging head) No...

E: (lights fading quickly) I was like, holy gok! Mindy's signing at Megabooks! You know, she's so nice in person. Not stuck up or anything...

(lights are out)


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