Fear, The Mall, And Thou
Setting: Sadie's front lawn.
(Lights up, Sadie laying on her front lawn, enter Myron.)
Myron: Hi, Sadie.
Sadie: (lazy, not opening eyes, not wanting to respond) Mmmmmmm...?
M: Sadie... Sadie?
M: Sadie? You asleep?
M: (very long pause, Myron walks around, eventually sits next to Sadie) Sadie?
M: Still sleeping?
M: Ummm... okay...
(very long pause, starts singing to cover the time, The Pointer Sisters timeless epic, "Jump (For My Love)", except Myron sings it in a more choral fashion, after a verse and chorus, then a long pause, Myron starts the second verse, and Sadie sits bolt upright in a shot)
S: Stop! Just don't. Alright?
M: Hey, you're awake!
M: Great! Let's go to the mall!
M: Yeah, let's go to the mall!
S: The mall?! Are you serious?
S: Myron. I'm tired. I was resting.
M: Now you're awake. Let's go to the mall!
S: Why do you want to go to the mall?
M: I don't know.
S: What? What do you mean, you don't know?
M: I just want to go.
S: I'm tired, Myron, and I hate the mall. You know that.
M: Yeah, but... ummm...
M: Well, I'm trying to change my image.
S: You have an image?
M: Yeah... maybe.
S: I'd really like to stay here, relaxing, napping outside, on my lawn.
M: People think I'm gay.
S: Some people think you're gay, not everyone.
M: I'm not gay though.
S: I believe you, Myron.
M: It's just because I'm afraid of girls.
S: Afraid? That's putting it mildly.
M: Well, it's not my fault that I've never had a date.
S: Myron. It is your fault. Who else could be at fault?
M: Girls.... women.
S: Which women?
S: The ones you don't call or the ones you never talk to around town, or maybe it's the ones that you never do anything with?
M: No... yes... yes, those ones.
S: Listen, Myron, you're terrified of women, and I'm sort of honored that you talk to me... but we've been neighbors for five years, and you only stopped staring at my feet three months ago.
M: I remember... that was really hard.
S: Hey, you've made big strides.
M: Right, but people still think I'm gay.
S: Some people, Myron, but they're obviously not thinking it through: it's precisely because you are so terrified of women that convinces me you're not gay.
M: I'm not.
S: Right, see, two things: One, if you were gay, more women would talk to you. Women like gay men. And, second, you fear women precisely because you desire them. We most fear what we most want, because the risk of not getting it is so great. You are afraid of women because you want them so very much.
M: (pause) Wow.... but... but wouldn't that mean that macho guys are gay?
S: Some are, but most macho guys are also terrified of women: They just overcompensate for it with sex. Macho guys love fucking women, but fear women.
S: Sounds right to me.
M: Thanks, Sadie!
S: No problem. No can I go back to my nap?
M: Oh. I thought maybe you'd got to the mall with me now?
S: Because I gave you a gender-relations lecture?
M: No, 'cause you're up and awake... and I really don't want to go alone.
S: Then don't go! You hate the mall too. You hardly ever leave your house; why torture yourself at the mall?
M: I... well.. I heard that there might be a lot of cute girls there...
S: Okay, first of all, Myron, you're twenty-eight years old, you have to stop referring to females as girls, when you say "girls", it makes me think you want to cruise the mall for fifteen-year olds.
M: Women... cute women...
S: Which brings me to my second point, most women don't like being called "cute"... again, that's for the birth-to-age-sixteen-or-so set... try "beautiful", "gorgeous", "alluring".
M: Okay... so I heard there are a lot of ... alluring women at the mall.
S: And my third point which is: Your point is?
M: Well... I thought... I...
S: You were going to pick up a (makes air quotes) "cute girl" at the mall?
M: Or... a beautiful woman... maybe.
S: (laughing) Sorry, Myron, sorry... but you couldn't get a piece of ass on a porn site.
M: I know, I know... that's why I thought you could help...?
S: (still laughing a bit) I mean, you couldn't find tits in a bra.
M: Sadie, this isn't about bras and porn sites.
S: Ohh... I'm sorrry, Myron... I couldn't resist... sorry...
M: It's about malls and mommies!
S: Whoa... stand down Oedipus...
M: I just mean, you know, not teenagers... some of the gorgeous... females... might be mothers...
S: And you want my help?
M: Yeah... I'm ready.
S: Okay... what do you want me to do?
M: Kind of be protection for me.
M: Well, yeah... I mean what if one of them wants to approach me?
S: Then you put on dry underwear and say "hello".
M: But... it's frightening.
S: Yeah... women.... man, they'll mess you up. You know most women actually get most of their protein by eating out men's hearts through their dicks.
M: (frightened by the image) Unnnhhh!
S: For the love of god, Myron... snap out of it.
M: I'm sorry... I just don't know what to do.
S: (pause) Do you want to practice?
S: With me? Why don't we practice?
M: (with rising fear) Practice... what?
S: What do you think?
M: ...... sex?
S: What? No! Jesus, Myron and Joseph! Practice meeting a woman, you dope!
M: Oh... right?
S: Soooo... yes?
M: Yeah... yeah, okay, let's practice.
S: Alright, you be you, I'll be a beautiful woman at the mall.
M: Ummm... okay.
S: (turns around, preps herself, moves away from Myron a few steps, then turns around and approaches) Hello there. (she puts her hand out for Myron to shake, he goes catatonic, staring at his shoes) Myron? C'mon... what's the deal?
M: Sorry... it was just too real, you know?
S: Maybe because I was playing a woman meeting you, and, in real life, I often am a woman meeting you?
M: (missing her sarcasm) Yeah... that's probably why.
S: Okay, listen, let's just cut the artifice altogether then, okay?
M: What do you mean?
S: You be you: I'll just be me. Sadie.
S: Real simple. Sadie meeting Myron.
M: Like friends meeting?
S: Well, no, you do need to imagine that I'm like a potential date, girlfriend, or lover.
M: (obviously too nervous to push it that far) Aahhh...
S: Okay, okay, okay... just a potential date... a simple date, just out for a bite to eat...
M: (still visibly upset) Dinner?
S: Alright... just coffee, just coffee... okay?
(Myron closes his eyes, shakes his head)
S: Okay, keep your eyes closed, good... now when you open them, I'm going to be Sadie, and you're going to be Myron and we will be standing close to each other and talking... the only difference would be that this talking could potentially lead you to having coffee with me. Okay? Ready? (pause) Alright, go. (Myron does nothing) Open your eyes, Myron. (he does so) Hi, my name is Sadie, and you are...? (holds out her hand, Myron immediately takes a knee, breathing heavily) Damnit, Myron, c'mon! It's me... Sadie.
M: I know, I know, I know.
S: We're talking right now... same situation...
M: We could've had coffee!
S: (beat, deadpan) You're right. How cruel of me.
M: I just can't do this, Sadie... I...
S: No, here, here, let's try this... (thinking fast) ummm..... you, you take the lead!
M: I don't...
S: Yes... that's it. You speak first, okay...
S: Yeah, you just say whatever comes to mind.
M: To you?
S: Right, me as me. You as you.
M: Me as me...
S: And me as me... and let's just skip the handshake, too aggressive I guess. We'll just start like we are... two people... we know each other enough, no greeting.
M: The coffee?
S: Done... no coffee, just talking... the only difference is you have to talk to me as a woman that you might be attracted to, but it doesn't have to go anywhere...
M: Just talking.
S: Just talking. (pause) Do you want to turn around this time, since you're leading the conversation?
M: Right. (turns around, doesn't do any "prep" motions, which makes his turning back around awkward, but he does so, and starts. His speech should be awkward, but extremely endearing) Hi, Sadie. It's me, Myron. (pause) I wanted you to go to the mall with me today. It's not far, and I could drive. I have really enjoyed being your neighbor and getting to know you for the past five years.
Last weekend, my friend, Fred, you met him once I think, he has that weird beard, wears a fedora all the time? (Sadie nods) He took me to the mall to get something for his Mom, and there were all these cute... women who were also very beautiful... there. I tried my best to look at a lot of them, mainly when I could tell they wouldn't see me.
They were just so pretty, so many of them, and not any one of them looked any different than you... wait, that didn't come out right... I mean, I looked at them, but they all look like you in my mind.
I saw you everywhere, by the information kiosk, by the triangle fountain, in the food court, at the kid's playland. You were everywhere, even in the parking garage, but mostly you were there... in my mind and in my heart.
Every woman I saw made me think of you, about how much I wish you would think of me. That maybe, someday, we could think of each other.
So, I wanted to take you to the mall today... to see if all those alluring women really were just like you, if you matched... or if you are what I think you are, matchless.
But mostly I wanted to take you to the mall, so I could be near you, and buy you a little something, and then maybe later we could stop for... coffee... or tea... or something, on our way home.
You should know that, of all the women I saw that day, I fear you most of all.
How was that?
(Sadie is silent, her mouth is sort of moving slowly, but she's not saying anything, stunned, beyond words, nearly catatonic)
Sadie? Sadie? (long pause which Myron interprets badly) Crap... I'm... I'm sorry... (turns and leaves the stage)
(Sadie's legs start shaking and she takes a knee, then slowly sits.)
S: (quietly) I know a cute boy who just earned himself a trip to the mall.
(lights fade out as she gets up and follows Myron's path offstage)