Setting: Two park benches facing each other across the stage.
(lights up, Adam, stage left, sits on a park bench, reading a supermarket tabloid with great interest until Donna walks in. Donna is an extremely sexy woman dressed for the summer heat. Adam notices, a lot. Donna takes out a book, starts reading. Adam tries to hide his staring, but doesn't succeed. Donna begins to catch him at it; this goes on for a little while; eventually she gets fed up)
Donna: (over the top of her book) Please tell me now if you're an asshole, a jerk or some sort of hybrid.
Adam: (simultaneously trying to act extremely casually and surprised while also responding way too eagerly and loudly) Me?!
D: You and the drool.
A: No! I'm better than all that! (surreptitiously checks his chin for spittle)
(long pause, the peeping continues anew, goes on for a while)
A: Hey! Thanks for asking though!
A: About the creep or jerk thing. There are a lot of them in this park.
(long pause, Adam tries to silently pull his bench closer to Donna, straining at it mightily after a while, he tries many different methods, none of which evade Donna's perceptions, this goes on for quite a while)
D: It's bolted to the cement, moron.
A: (as if he hasn't the slightest idea what she's talking about) I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about.
D: (very sarcastically) Oh, you're British... all of a sudden.
A: No. Adam.
(Donna shakes head disgustedly, goes back to reading. Adam takes his magazine and leaves. Donna sighs with relief. Back to her reading. After a short while, Adam returns; Donna sighs with annoyance. Adam sits, he now has a much larger paper which he holds open to hide most of his upper body from Donna. He takes a socket wrench from his pocket, and "sneaks" behind the bench, holding the newspaper in front of him the whole time. He begins to remove the four bolts from the bench's legs as quietly as possible - which is not quietly at all. Donna watches outright with amazement. After a long while, Adam finishes, pockets the socket, sit down, still "reading" his newspaper.)
D: What kind of stupid are you?
A: (innocently again) Me?!
(pause, Adam slowly begins pulling the bench across the stage in short, but slow bursts. Pull, pull, read, read. Pull, pull, read, read)
D: (when A is halfway there) What kind of stupid do you think I am?
A: (innocently) Hmmm?
(A continues progress across stage until their knees are almost touching at which point, he drops the newspaper, drops the innocent act and says)
A: (in creepy sex voice) Welll, helllooo there.
D: (folding up book and getting up) Go fuck yourself.
A: I was hoping you could handle that for me. (laughs to himself)
D: You know you could be arrested for vandalizing that bench.
A: (ignoring, and in a sex voice) Did you know Jesus is alive?
D: Great. I'm sure he is... (sits back down, to herself) You know what? Why the hell should I leave? I like this spot, and I'm not going to let some bastard steal it through lechery.
A: I mean Jesus is really alive.
D: Or religion.
A: He's alive inside each of us.
D: He left your ass a while ago.
A: So... I was hoping that you'd show me your Jesus, and I'd show you mine.
D: (tries to hold it in, but just can't, starts laughing slowly at first, then louder and more out of control) Did you just say... oh my God! That... ohhhh... wow! Amazing. I've heard so many... but that... Jesus... "show me your Jesus"?! Incredible... I have to... I mean... it's original... like a Playboy Bible camp line or something... (continue adlibbing until her laughter dies away, without pausing goes back to her book)
(D puts her feet up on A's bench, sits like this for a while, A puts the newspaper back in front of his face, starts leaning over far, trying to look up the leg of her shorts)
D: Never should have vandalized that bench.
(A gets closer and closer to horizontal on his bench, at some point, D pushes out sharply with her feet and flips his bench over)
D: (moving to where A has rolled off the back of his bench, stradles his chest and sits, runs one hand back down to his groin, she rubs near his groin for a while) Have fun screwing this... (she then quickly reaches in his pocket with one hand and hers with her other hand simultaneously) ... bench back in without your wrench... (holds up wrench in one hand, mace in the other) ... or your vision. (sprays him in the face while getting off him, he screams on the ground)
D: (pulling cellphone from pocket, dialing as she exits, lights fading) Hello, police... I'd like to report a... (pause) well, first I thought he was a jerkhole... but turns out he's a pervandal... some sort of exotic mix like that...
(lights out, A is still whimpering)
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