Secret Spider
Cast:
Ib
Setting: Against a tree, in a forest.
(lights up, Ib sits against the trunk of a tree, inspecting the ground, he sees something)
Ib: (scooping hand along the ground, picks up a spider which can be mimed for purposes of practicality) Hey there, look at you. Well, you are certainly a big one aren't you? I've never seen a spider like you before. (pretending to have a full conversation with the spider) What's that? Yes, yes, I suppose you've never a human just like me before either. That's fair. How did you get so big? Good public relations work? Oh... I like that one. Very funny.
(puts spider back on the ground, gets down on his stomach, stretched out, eye level with the spider) What's that, boy? Huh? Little Bobby is trapped in Deadman's Gulch!!? No! That's horrible, that's... What? What? Okay, okay... left ankle, broken... drifting in and out of consciousness... yes, yes... what else? Jeans... torn! It's worse than I thought! We gotta get there right away, boy! Lead me there, and fast!
(stops that game, smiles at the spider for a while, follows it with his eyes and head for a little bit) You sure are a mysterious creature; I'll give you that. So much fun to watch. I've never known a spider who had so much... charm. Strange. Hey, hey, look at that... you have little red bits at the bottom of your legs... look like socks. Awfully cute.
(moving his eyes across the floor) Ahh... you're leaving. Okay. (pushing the dramatics to the hilt) Just go! Go, damn you! See if I care! I thought I could trust you! I thought you were my friend! (pretends to cry briefly) Ohh... hey, you're coming back. Friends? (makes movement to shake spider's hand) Wait... tell me again... which one do I shake? Sorry... just don't remember. I have so many spider friends, and they all seem to prefer a different "hand" for shaking. Oh, okay, third back, left side... got it. (shakes hands with spider)
(looking a bit downcast) Listen, I hate to say this. I know you'll think I'm a total specie-ist, but I think you and I... we have a magical thing going here... and I want to honor that, and I want to keep it that way, because, you're just about everything a guy could ever want in a spider... but... some of my friends... my people friends, you know? They might think that you and I... well, they might think... they might think that it's weird. Not right even. They might do anything in their power to stop (makes air quotes) "us" from happening, and I don't want that to happen, okay? Okay? So, I think it would be best if we made this our secret spot... I'll be your secret human, and you can be my secret spider. Okay? Deal? (shakes hands again)
Hey, you're shaking my hand, but it doesn't feel like you're in it, you know what I mean? Are you okay with the secret arrangement or not? Be honest. Please. I don't want to see you get hurt, okay? It's for your own good. Really. (pause) What? You will? No hard feelings? Alright... alright. I'm glad we could work that out.
Well, listen, my friend, I have to go... should be meeting up with an old friend actually in ahhh... (looks at watch) about fifteen minutes. Huh? Oh... yeah, one of "those" friends, yes... yes, I know. I'll try to help him see the light... okay? Okay? Cool. Thanks. See you around.
(rolls over onto his back just two ten-foot long spider legs with red "socks" and a huge pair on crunching mandibles appear from the offstage wing. Ib is directly underneath the legs as a very loud, high pitched, reverberating screech rises from backstage, Ib tries scrambling away on his back, just as the front legs shoot down and the lights go out immediately)
(end)
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