Held
Cast:
Man
Voice
Setting: Desk, papers spread everywhere on its surface, man sits, finishes dialing phone, we hear the other end of the phone over the sound system throughout. Hold music must be horrible. Man fidgits, looks through papers, doodles, whatever to reflect his emotions with the call as the play progresses - in other words, I don't want to break up the play with tons of stage directions. Be smart.
(rings, rings)
Voice: (very pleasing female voice, professional but comforting and sincere and homey)
Hello! And welcome to the voice information system of Carbon Futures, Incorporated; your full-service solution for carbon-based needs and services. Our voice information system offers ten options.
Please listen carefully; as our options have changed. To better serve your Carbon Futures, Incorporated needs and to prevent errors in processing your call, please listen fully to all options before making your selection.
(pause, a little longer than is logical)
V: In our ongoing effort to improve customer service and to improve the time it takes to wholly respond to your queries, this call may be monitored.
In our ongoing effort to better serve you with proper and prompt attention to your needs or concerns or problems or suggestions or issues, a full transcript of this call will be archived in our legal department.
Also, in our ongoing effort to fight evil, this call will be backed up by a SWAT unit ready and able to deploy within seconds.
(pause)
V: As stated earlier, our Carbon Futures, Incorporated voice information system has ten options. It perhaps goes without saying that these ten options have been designed with better serving you, our Carbon Futures, Incorporated valued customer, in mind. Please listen completely to all options before selecting to prevent unprofitable sallying forth down the wrong voice information path.
(pause)
Man: Jesus.
V: If you have an accounts receivable question or need to speak to a valuable member of our Carbon Futures, Incorporated accounts receivable staff or wish to discuss anything even remotely related to accounts and the receiving thereof, please press or say or tap out in Morse Code... 1 now.
(long pause)
V: If you have an accounts payable question or need to speak to a slightly-less valuable member of the Carbon Futures, Incorporated accounts payable staff or wish to discuss anything even remotely related to accounts and the paying thereof, please press or say or tap out in Morse Code... 6 now.
(long pause)
M: Come on, come on...
V: If you wish to set up a new commercial account or need to speak to any of our underfunctioning members of the Carbon Futures, Incorporated new commercial accounts staff or wish to discuss anything even remotely related to accounts and the commercial nature and establishment thereof, please press or say or tap out in Morse Code... 3 now.
M: Agghh... go in order... 1,2,3?
(long pause)
V: If you wish to check on the status, health, and/or whereabouts of an existing account or need to speak to any of the rather handsome members of our Carbon Futures, Incorporated existing accounts staff or wish to discuss anything even remotely related to accounts and the existential nature thereof, please press or say or tap out in Morse Code... 4 now.
(long pause)
V: If you wish to place an order for Carbon Futures, Incorporated products or services or need to speak to any of the hastily-trained, surly members of our Carbon Futures, Incorporated orders staff or wish to discuss anything even remotely related to orders and the placing, processing, checking, rechecking, deleting, altering or fondling thereof, please press or say or tap out in Morse Code... 9 now.
M: What the hell! This...
(long pause)
V: If you wish to interview or include Carbon Futures, Incorporated in a news item, report, advertisement or fluff piece or need to speak to any of the large-breasted models in our Carbon Futures, Incorporated media relations office or wish to discuss anything even remotely related to the media and the relations thereto, please press or say or tap out in Morse Code... 2 now.
M: Stop it! Just stop it!
V: If you wish to speak to customer service about any issue whatsoever, please press 5 now.
M: (presses 5 rapidly)
V: Ah-ah-ah! You haven't made it through all ten options if you recall near the beginning, the Carbon Futures, Incorporated voice information system instructed you, and the Carbon Futures, Incorporated voice information system, in an effort to better serve you, quotes: To better serve your Carbon Futures, Incorporated needs and to prevent errors in processing your call, please listen fully to all options before making your selection. End quotes.
M: (who has been mumbling angrily throughout) Fuck. (presses 5 again)
V: (a little edge in her voice now) Please watch your language. There are three options to which you have not listened.
(M presses 5 again)
V: Well, your simply being stubborn now.
(M presses 5 again)
V: This isn't helping.
(M presses 5 again)
V: (shouting, vicious) Listen, Asshole!! Press 5 again, and I unleash the SWAT guys! Got it?!
M: Shit, shit, shit...
V: (pause) Okay, where were we? Ah yes. If you wish to tour the Carbon Futures, Incorporated campus or surrounding chattel town, Carbonfuturesville, or wish to speak to any of the homespun, whimsical geezers in the Carbon Futures, Incorporated Guided Tours department, or wish to discuss anything related to our campus and company town or living and working conditions thereof, please press or say or tap out in Morse Code... 8 now.
(long pause)
M: 5, just 5...
V: If you wish to speak to any dead relatives, press 0.
M: What?
V: If you wish to press 7, press or say 7.
M: (presses 5) What is this...
V: Thank you for calling the Customer Service department of Carbon Futures, Incorporated. Our voice information system has ten options, please listen carefully as our options have changed. In our ongoing effort to better serve you, this call will almost certainly be monitored. To prevent errors in directing your call, please listen to all options before making your selection.
M: Not again...
V: Press 1 for customer service.
M: (presses 1) I just did...
V: Please listen to all options before making your selection. Now I have to start over.
M: Shit!
V: Press 1 for Carbon Futures, Incorporated products.
M: What?
V: Press 2 for Carbon Futures, Incorporated services.
V: Press 3 for customer service.
M: Least it's in order.
V: Press 4 for (mummbled)
M: What?
V: Press 5 for customer service.
V: Press 6 three times for Satan.
M: You got to be...
V: Press 7 for the smell of burning hair.
V: Press 8 for customer services.
M: Unbelievable.
V: Press 9 to slip the bonds of Earth.
V: Press 0 to hear all of these in some other weird language.
M: (presses 5) A human, please!
V: Thank you for calling the Carbon Futures, Incorporated customer service department. All our valuable customer service agents are valuably servicing other very valuable clients. Your call is important to us, please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received. You are number 2 in the queue, your expected wait time is 15 seconds.
M: Damn well better be.
(very long pause)
V: Your call is important to us, please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received. You are number 2 in the queue, your expected wait time is 14 seconds.
M: Come on!
(very long pause)
V: Your call is important to us, please stay on the line and your call will be answered in the order it was received. You are number 2 in the queue, your expected wait time is 16 seconds.
M: What the hell! It was just fucking fourteen! I remember! I REMEMBER DAMNIT!
(very long pause)
V: Hey, you're not going to believe this, but we actually just got a very, very, VERY valuable call... Your call was very important to us, comapratively, but you are now number 3 in the queue, your expected wait time is maybe like 18 seconds. Something like that.
M: This is... what... how do they think?
(very long pause)
V: We apologize for the extended wait time, we are experiencing very heavy call volumes during the calendar year. Your position in the queue is 37, your expected wait time is 21 seconds.
M: 37! You can't fucking do this to me!!
V: Please don't swear, sir. It reflects poorly on you.
M: Fuck you!
V: That was uncalled for, sir. If your not careful, I will switch the hold music to Muzak versions of Muzak songs.
M: I want fucking customer service!! That's all!
V: Sir. You must stop.
M: I won't fucking stop, you fucking piece of shit system!
V: We are extremely sorry that you have had to wait so long, a member of our valuable Carbon Futures, Incorporated customer service staff will be with you shortly. Your position in the queue is 1, your expected wait time is 97 minutes. This will be the last time you hear this message.
M: I'm number 1! Number 1! Number 1!! Damnit! Talk to me now!
(very long pause, Muzak continues)
M: (putting his head on top of the phone and resting his head on the desk, he whispers menacingly several times) I will kill you... I will kill you... I will fucking kill you, Carbon Futures, Incorporated.
(we hear a gunshot over the speakers, his head slips upstage of the receiver, the ear piece of which is smoking)
V: Please refrain from fucking with the Carbon Futures, Incorporated voice information system.
(His body weight and position pull him from his chair, he is dead, on the other end the line is hung up, loud dial tone as lights fade)
(end)
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