December 5, 2006

A Play A Day #236

Boys' School Will Make You A Man

Teacher Hal

Setting: Classroom.

(Lights up, Teacher Hal standing and conducting class, six desks with five students in them, they are in identical school uniforms)

Hal: How does electricity behave? (pointing to Lammers) Lammers?

Lammers: When a current is activated by the completion of a circuit...

H: Wrong!! I meant, on the weekend.

L: What?

H: When your parents are away, on the weekend... how does electricity behave?

L: I don't know, sir.

H: Neither do I.

L: Oh.

H: (big laugh) Trick question anyway, Lammers, your parents would never be gone on the weekend. No, they're gone all the time, aren't they; because you're a huge failure, and they hate you! Whew!! Huge high fives from my boys! (runs around classroom giving high fives to everyone except Lammers, making a lot of noise while doing so, then back to the front where he turns on them sharply) Alright, alright! Settle down! Shut up! Now, where were we? Ah yes! Math... When you have two known angles and one known side of any triangle, what formula do you use to determine the lengths of the other two sides. Ahhh... Scut?

S: Ahh, well, you would take the cosine of...

H: (huge disgusted wretching sound, going on for a while) Damnit, Scut! What is wrong with you?! Why do you smell so awful? It's why you have no real friends, isn't it? Or maybe you smell so bad; because you're rotting on the inside from bitterness at not having any friends! Or perhaps, you smell so bad becaus you like having sex with the animals in your barn! Yeah!!! Keep'em low this time, chums! (does high fives on the "down low" with other four boys, lots of excitement, back to front of class) Shut up, you pathetic wusses! Now, moving on with history, Palson, what happened to our friend, Norwich, last night? He's not in class today.

Palson: He's in the infirmary, sir. High fever and vomiting.

H: Sounds bad. Is he going to survive the day?

P: I... I think so, sir... he's probably just got the...

H: Too bad... he would be easily missed, hey, Palson?

P: Uhhh... (pauses more) Yes? Sir.

H: Not as easily as you though, Palson; we wouldn't miss you if you were dead, not one little bit! Alright!! (high five routine and back to head of class) Keep it down, you dickless blunders! All of ya!! And speaking of death, let's move on to current events. What issue did the President address with the French Prime Minister at last night's summit in Marseilles? Yes, Teparor?

Teparor: Sir, I believe they discused France's proper place in negotiations a possible Middle East peace treaty.

H: Yeah... that's it... and what would your proper place be in those neegotiations, Teparor?

T: I... I... don't know... I'm...

H: Wrong, moron! Your proper place would be as a poorly-functioning urinal in the men's room! Owww! Big score! Treat me well here, boys! (high five routine, back to head of class) Alright, douchebags! Back to English! When starting a sentence with the subject 'Everyone', which pronouns are the proper antecedent? Allet?

Allet: 'His' or 'her' both would be proper, sir.

H: Well done, Allet. Hey, your hair's a little out of place today, isn't it, son?

(Allet freaks out, screams, leaps to his feet, brandishing a pistol, fires point blank at Hal, misses him with first five shots, finally hitting Hal in the shoulder with the sixth. Long pause, Hal moves his hand where there is blood forming on his shoulder. Looks at Allet who's breathing heavily, staring at the gun and Hal, he begins to sob.)

H: I'd cry too, if I needed six shoots to hit me from that distance! What kind of genetically-enhanced super-pansy are you? You're not winning any friends with that kind of marksmanship! Ain't that right, boys?!! (high fives all around, except for Allet, of course, back to head of classsroom) Alright, Allet. Give me that thing. (holds out his hand, Allet slowly walks to the head of the class, hands over the pistol, turns and starts walking away) Unhh unhh unhh! (holds out hand) C'mon! (Allet digs in his pocket, pulls out six bullets, turns and hands them to Hal, Allet returns to his desk. Lights slowly fade as Hall loads the gun) My turn. Now, you boys will start to understand what it takes to be a man in this world. (finishes loading, levels gun at Allet) Never start a fight you're not willing to finish.

(lights out)


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