Diggy Don't
Cast:
Sue
Fay
Vic
Setting: Outdoor, park.
(lights up on Sue; she calls out loudly)
Sue: Diggy!! Diggy!! C'mon boy! Diggy, come!! C'mon Diggy! Diggy!! Diggy!! (continues over Fay's entrance)
(enter Fay)
Fay: Stay away, Diggy!! Go on!! Get outta here! Diggy, go!! Get!! (continues in this vein for a while as Sue starts to quiet down and turns to take offense)
Sue: Do you mind?!
Fay: Huh?
Sue: I'm trying to find my dog.
Fay: Yeah?
Sue: Yeah... well, please don't tell him to stay away.
Fay: I was only trying to help.
Sue: Well, it wasn't working. (pause) Diggy!! Diggy!! Com'ere boy! Diggy!!
Fay: I don't think your way works either.
Sue: It will, okay?
Fay: I was watching you for a while, and I don't think your dog's any closer to you now than when you started shouting.
Sue: How would you know?!
Fay: Just a sense.
Sue: Not a common one.
Fay: Haha!
Sue: Please let me look for my dog; if I need your help, I'll avoid you as much as possible.
Fay: I was trying something different; that's all.
Sue: I don't need anything different! Alright?! Please leave me be. Diggy!! C'mon boy!! Digg...
Fay: Reverse psychology!
Sue: Stop!
Fay: That's what I was trying... reverse psychology!
Sue: Yeah, whatever... it's a useless idea, okay!? Reverse psycholgy doesn't work! Go away!
Fay: You go away!
Sue: What?!
Fay: I said, you go away!
Sue: I heard what you said!
Fay: Then why didn't you go?
Sue: Because I don't want to!
Fay: Really?
Sue: No, I'm looking for my dog; I'm not just going to turn and run because you said so. I'm staying right here!
Fay: Suit yourself. Leave, Diggy!! Go away!
Sue: Stop it! Stop it! You're really pushing your luck lady!
Fay: What? Reverse psychology doesn't work anyway!
Sue: My dog won't recognize your voice; he'll come running for mine! You're just confusing him and covering the one voice I know he'll respond to! So stop!!
(enter Vic)
Fay: (long pause) I don't think your dog's coming back.
Sue: SHUT UP!!
Vic: Yikes! Hey, what's wrong?
Fay: I don't know, just trying to help Ms. Fuss and Bother find her dog.
Sue: I lost my dog about an hour ago, and this lady just started yelling at my dog to stay away.
Fay: The dog wasn't coming when she was calling for it; so I tried some reverse psychology.
Sue: I don't need reverse psychology! I know my dog! He will come when I call him! I have had him for eleven years; I think I know how to call for him!
Vic: Your dog's eleven?
Sue: Yes, about eleven and a half.
Vic: Maybe he can't hear so well any more?
Sue: No. He hears fine.
Vic: Well, you never know; sometimes it seems like a dog can still hear, but they're actually responding to other stimuli, you know what I mean?
Sue: Yes, I suppose, but Diggy's not deaf.
Fay: You never know?
Sue: (growls at Fay) I know, alright! Lay off!
Vic: Hey, hey, let me just try something, okay? I usually have great rapport with dogs.
Fay: Yeah, can't hurt.
Sue: (to Fay) I don't need your advice! What are you going to do?
Vic: Watch! It should work! Dog's name is Diggy?
Sue: Right, Diggy.
Vic: (stretches out a bit, loosens up, then goes into an elaborately exaggerated and comical hodgepodge of American Sign Language and a pantomime version of "Diggy! Come Here boy!" This goes on for a while, then he stops) There.
Sue: Are you a clown?
Vic: No. That was sign language for Diggy, come here boy... then I threw some pantomime in there too to give it that extra kick.
Sue: Sign language? What is wrong with you?!
Vic: Well, I had a brother who was deaf, so I learned sign language...
Sue: No, don't you realize what you were doing?
Vic: Yeah, I told you... I signed Diggy, come here boy and added some...
Fay: I loved it!
Sue: How did you expect that to work!?
Vic: Well, if Diggy's deaf, then sign language is the best way to communicate...
Sue: No!! No!! No!! No!! No!! No!! No!! Unbelievable... that is so stupid on so many levels... I thought reverse psychology really cut it, but... wow... that just cut it and ate it at the same time.
Vic: Geez, just trying to help...
Sue: You know, I appreciate help when it actually helps, otherwise you're just wasting my time that I should be spending trying to call my dog.
Vic: But, if he can't hear you...
Sue: Then he surely can't see you and your sign laguage interpretive dance bullshit either... and even if he could, why would he have been anything but frightened at your weird movements?
Vic: Well, I guess I know where my help isn't wanted!
Sue: Yep, right here!
Fay: (to Vic) Why don't we go find her dog somewhere else?
Vic: Yeah...
Sue: (to both of them) Wait! You can't do that!
Fay: What?
Sue: Find my dog!
Vic: Now who's being stupid?
Sue: No! You can't find my dog!
Fay: Hey, if we find your dogm then we find your dog.
Sue: Only I can find my dog!
Vic: Doubt it! I've found many dogs. I'm good at it.
Sue: But... I don't trust you two...
Fay: You think we trust you?
Vic: Ditto!
Sue: But how do I know you won't hurt my dog if you find him?
Vic: How do we know you won't hurt him?
Sue: He's my dog! I've never hurt Diggy; I never would!
Fay: Well, that's what you say now, under duress, but it's really just your word, and based on how you've treated us, I would think you're probably likely to hurt poor little Diggy.
Sue: No! I was trying to get you to stop telling my dog to leave, and I trying to tell you that sign language doesn't work if the dog can't see you!
Vic: But you were so mean about it.
Sue: Alright, alright, maybe I was... I'm sorry, listen I really just want to find my dog.
Fay: So do we.
Vic: Yep.
Sue: (big sigh) But I can't let you go off to find Diggy by yourselves...
Vic: I think we have that right...
(long pause)
Sue: Alright, listen... I'm sorry about how I treated you... please, please stay here and help me find Diggy...
Fay: Why should we?
Sue: I'll be nicer; I promise.
Vic: And you'll let us help in the best way we know how?
Sue: (pause, she's stuck with them) Yes...
Fay: Alright! Let's get to work! Diggy!! Go away, boy!! Get outta here!! We hate you! Diggy!!! Leave!!
(Vic commences his elaborate sign language / mime routine again)
Sue: (watching for a moment; then resignedly starts) Diggy!! Here, boy! Hear my voice, Diggy!! C'mon boy!!
(lights fade on this shouting and miming scene)
(end)
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