The Women Love Him
Setting: Table at a bar. Believe or not, these men are drinking! Beer! They've seen better days, but they probably don't remember them.
Wedge: You know what I don't get?
Wedge: How do the women even find someone like that attractive?
Bert: Maybe because he doesn't call them "The Women" like they're a gang.
Lars: Or maybe it's because he has self-respect.
Cappy: Yeah, could be.
Wedge: No, that's not it, guys; there's something more...
Bert: Could be they appreciate not being vomited upon.
Lars: Or they like that he knows a completely different meaning for the word "facial".
Cappy: (laughs) Facial! I like that one...
Wedge: He's got to be doing something different than us...
Bert: Controlling his bladder effectively?
Lars: Earning money?
Wedge: No, the women aren't shallow enough to care about hygiene! I mean have you guys seen the chicks who flock around him? What is it about them that draws them to a guy like that?
Cappy: They probably have eyes that see.
Bert: And noses that smell.
Lars: Ears that hear.
Wedge: But they're all really good-looking gals, these women. We sit here and all these women come into the bar, but they don't talk to us. They talk to him. He is stealing our women!
Bert: Yeah. You're right, Wedge. He's "stealing" them.
Lars: Right out from under our noses, or maybe he's only borrowing them for a short while... seeing as the only women we get are on credit.
Cappy: Which is running out any day now.
Wedge: Yeah, see, he's taking things away from us only because he has merit!
Cappy: The worthy bastard!
Lars: That intelligent son of a bitch!
Bert: Honorable jerk!
Wedge: Exactly! So what should we do about it, guys?
Cappy: Wedge... we don't even know who the hell you're talking about...
Bert: Can't do much against such a powerful, unseen enemy...
Lars: Like shooting fish in a barrel without bullets...
Wedge: New guy down at the store where my wife works...
Lars: New guy?
Bert: Did he replace Erik?
Wedge: No, just a new guy, looks like a surfer, blond hair, always dressed perfectly, everytime I pick up the wife, the women are practically tearing his clothes off!
Cappy: Disgusting women!
Lars: Geez, you'd almost think they had a sex drive!
Bert: No, my own personal research has proven that women no longer have sex drives.
Wedge: I just want to know how we can get to him... knock him down a few pegs.
Cappy: (winks at the others) Forget, Wedge, I've seen this guy... he's cute.
Lars: Utterly do-able.
Bert: Even makes me wish I was at least waterboy for his team.
Wedge: Wait... you guys saying he's gay?
Cappy: We're saying we don't care if he is or not... we likey!
Wedge: You guys are sick! Sick! (gets up and leaves in a huff, shouting) Women falling for him; now my own buddies too! Just gotta take care of this myself!
Lars: That went well.
Bert: Think we should tell him it's a mannequin?
Cappy: I don't see why we should.
Bert: Well, it'll be the third one he's destroyed this month.
Lars: His wife told me they want to get a better video this time for America's Stupidest Drunks. Could win him one million dollars.
Cappy: Then it's drinks on Wedge for the rest of our lives.
(lights fade quickly, as the three clink their beer bottles)